31/12: No Stars
31 December 2009
The mandatory review. Every December end. Every year. Rewind to January. The expectations? Not much really. Yes, there were some expectations as always. But, they were more about hope, than about probability. Anyway, they were pretty much dashed and thrown away in the first few weeks. It was the year that I feared could be the most awful year of my life - yes, worse than the pretty damaging previous year. Whether it indeed was that bad, is hard to judge. But yes, it has come down to this - to comparing years based on which was less dreadful. Awesome!
But more than the dreadful year that it was feared to be, it was an empty one. There are years which are melancholic, years which are plain bad, years which are painful. I had known them. I had experienced them. But a completely empty year? Who can fathom the ache that an empty year can bring, save the one who has experienced it?
Imagine a storm. A storm that has shattered every dream and burned every path. A storm that has almost seemed endless. And then, it finally stops. What it leaves is a void, a bareness, that will take something magical to fill. This year was not about a fierce storm; it was about the desert that it leaves behind. In the seemingly feelingless moments that characterized much of the past twelve months, pain was invisible. And that's the worst thing... pain that fades into emptiness. But what is inevitable, is inevitable.
A year which in any case started with my dreams and fantasies already down to earth and trampled upon. A year which took away whatever little of faith and belief that were left. And silently too. A year in which, I think, I finally gave up. Yet in my heart of hearts, I know that the wind, however light and small it maybe, refuses to die down. Emptiness has only hidden it, not destroyed it. That is the hope that I still carry.
Every year throws up various choices and paths. And 2009 for me was a year of tough decisions, perhaps tricky ones. Whether I made all the right choices is debatable and will only be known in the times to come. But, something tells me that I took the right paths. And with the peace of that intuition, I go on.
I begin to think, if 2009 was to be relived again, is there anything under my control that I would change? Not much. Maybe a bit here and there. Sure, I could have done more. Without a doubt, I could have been better. But still I wouldn't change much. Anything I would change that was not under my control? Definitely. Lots. But who or what will change them for me? Something Divine? Even just one thing?
And so, another tick against the years that go by. Or perhaps a cross. But life doesn't care whether it is a tick or a cross. It just goes on. Only, we are left with the unending agony of the memories of those years that never came even remotely close to getting a tick.
The verdict? Zero stars for 2009. I did not expect it to draw a blank, but then when was the last time life met my expectations. Hopefully what was emptied this year, will be filled in the next. Hopefully, this is the absolute bottom and there is no way further down. Or is there? Ah, I can't bear the thought of another empty year.
But suddenly a whiff of air that is blowing, towards the very end of the year, is seemingly bringing omens of sweeter things. Does that mean that the next year will finally usher in something good? Almost improbable, but who knows...
The mandatory review. Every December end. Every year. Rewind to January. The expectations? Not much really. Yes, there were some expectations as always. But, they were more about hope, than about probability. Anyway, they were pretty much dashed and thrown away in the first few weeks. It was the year that I feared could be the most awful year of my life - yes, worse than the pretty damaging previous year. Whether it indeed was that bad, is hard to judge. But yes, it has come down to this - to comparing years based on which was less dreadful. Awesome!
But more than the dreadful year that it was feared to be, it was an empty one. There are years which are melancholic, years which are plain bad, years which are painful. I had known them. I had experienced them. But a completely empty year? Who can fathom the ache that an empty year can bring, save the one who has experienced it?
Imagine a storm. A storm that has shattered every dream and burned every path. A storm that has almost seemed endless. And then, it finally stops. What it leaves is a void, a bareness, that will take something magical to fill. This year was not about a fierce storm; it was about the desert that it leaves behind. In the seemingly feelingless moments that characterized much of the past twelve months, pain was invisible. And that's the worst thing... pain that fades into emptiness. But what is inevitable, is inevitable.
A year which in any case started with my dreams and fantasies already down to earth and trampled upon. A year which took away whatever little of faith and belief that were left. And silently too. A year in which, I think, I finally gave up. Yet in my heart of hearts, I know that the wind, however light and small it maybe, refuses to die down. Emptiness has only hidden it, not destroyed it. That is the hope that I still carry.
Every year throws up various choices and paths. And 2009 for me was a year of tough decisions, perhaps tricky ones. Whether I made all the right choices is debatable and will only be known in the times to come. But, something tells me that I took the right paths. And with the peace of that intuition, I go on.
I begin to think, if 2009 was to be relived again, is there anything under my control that I would change? Not much. Maybe a bit here and there. Sure, I could have done more. Without a doubt, I could have been better. But still I wouldn't change much. Anything I would change that was not under my control? Definitely. Lots. But who or what will change them for me? Something Divine? Even just one thing?
And so, another tick against the years that go by. Or perhaps a cross. But life doesn't care whether it is a tick or a cross. It just goes on. Only, we are left with the unending agony of the memories of those years that never came even remotely close to getting a tick.
The verdict? Zero stars for 2009. I did not expect it to draw a blank, but then when was the last time life met my expectations. Hopefully what was emptied this year, will be filled in the next. Hopefully, this is the absolute bottom and there is no way further down. Or is there? Ah, I can't bear the thought of another empty year.
But suddenly a whiff of air that is blowing, towards the very end of the year, is seemingly bringing omens of sweeter things. Does that mean that the next year will finally usher in something good? Almost improbable, but who knows...
Sai wrote:
Wish we could publish a book on Misty Moments/ Memoirs.
Sai