30/12: Old and New
December 31, 2008
An 'old' year gone by, lots of memories, most of them dreadful, maybe a few good (forced) ones, dreams galore, nothing accomplished, perhaps a few key (or locked) moments. And, a New Year to come. Bitter or better, time will tell. And so it continues, the cycle of old and new - and old, of despair and hope - and despair.
Time does fly. Yet, this year flew faster than time itself, whatever that means. Perhaps it was on a different plane, on some other axis. It has been the same thirty one million, six hundred twenty two thousand, four hundred - perhaps point something - seconds. (A little more than usual, courtesy February 29). Yet, that time now seems to tend to zero. This year has been one long fleeting moment of nothing.
Last year (2007), I thought, was the hardest year of my life. But, I hadn't dreamt, not even in my most vicious dreams, that this year would turn out the way it did. And so, I will have to repeat what I had said at the end of last year. This has truly been the hardest year of my life so far. Not only the hardest, but it has also been my worst. And I shudder to say this, for the next year has the potential yet to be far worse. Also, on the surface, it has perhaps been my weakest. Whether there lay something of real strength in it, I do not know yet. That will be clearer only in the years to come.
But, at a glance, it seems nothing came out of it. Adverse thoughts, unpropitious wavering. They did not get me anywhere - I knew they never would - and that's the worst part. The pages of my life torn to shreds and scattered all over, almost impossible to gather together again. And, just to make sure, each one of them crumbled into irreversible forms. What could come out of such a year?
Still, the lamp of hope burned brightly at many times. Yes, there were moments throughout the year when it flickered. There were moments when it almost went out. Moments when darkness swept in, almost completely. But somehow, something inside me never let the light go off completely. And then life brought circumstances that gave me hope. The lamp was rekindled. Only to be dashed and dwindled right away, the very next moment. Still, those positive moments of assurance kept me going.
The previous year was supposed to be a 'passing' phase. The dawn of this year was supposed to bring brighter thoughts. But life is full of shocks, sometimes (sometimes?) rude. And I hadn't accounted for this. I hadn't accounted for the fact that passing phases too can last long. Perhaps even longer than the meaning of 'passing' can take. And those hopes of a better life, disappeared into the wilderness. Yet, they came back, sometimes, only to wither away again; and some other times, stronger and truer. And I held on to those, like a dying person holds onto the last bits of a life saving rope.
Yet, when I look deeply, what strikes me is that this year has been magical. Yes, magical! In many, many ways. I couldn't explain many things that happened - things that need not have happened, save for relighting me. I still cannot. And so, in that sense, the year has been a fairytale of sorts. That is amazing in itself. How could an unyielding, most unfavoured year have been a fairytale? Perhaps some Divine Being - in all probability chuckling at me now - up there knows more about it.
And so, here I am, at the close of one more priceless year, in my twenties. For sure, we don't know how precious these years are. At least I don't seem to know. For how else can I explain myself throwing away hours, days and months of these precious years into nothing. And, if I don't learn my lesson even now, I guess I will deserve the unfulfilled life that stares at me.
It was a kind of year that I never wanted to experience; but one that we all inevitably have to, sometime. And, from that angle, I'm glad for it, for it's behind me now. But can years like this one ever be behind us? Every tiny and almost insignificant thing will lead me back to this year even many years from now. And with that thought, doubt creeps in. Doubt that pulls at my mind and tells me that I will never forget the bitterness of this year. And that's a hard life to live - to live in one bitter year forever.
Yet, hope never dies. Tomorrow is a new year. Tomorrow is a new life. A new fairytale. Perhaps.
An 'old' year gone by, lots of memories, most of them dreadful, maybe a few good (forced) ones, dreams galore, nothing accomplished, perhaps a few key (or locked) moments. And, a New Year to come. Bitter or better, time will tell. And so it continues, the cycle of old and new - and old, of despair and hope - and despair.
Time does fly. Yet, this year flew faster than time itself, whatever that means. Perhaps it was on a different plane, on some other axis. It has been the same thirty one million, six hundred twenty two thousand, four hundred - perhaps point something - seconds. (A little more than usual, courtesy February 29). Yet, that time now seems to tend to zero. This year has been one long fleeting moment of nothing.
Last year (2007), I thought, was the hardest year of my life. But, I hadn't dreamt, not even in my most vicious dreams, that this year would turn out the way it did. And so, I will have to repeat what I had said at the end of last year. This has truly been the hardest year of my life so far. Not only the hardest, but it has also been my worst. And I shudder to say this, for the next year has the potential yet to be far worse. Also, on the surface, it has perhaps been my weakest. Whether there lay something of real strength in it, I do not know yet. That will be clearer only in the years to come.
But, at a glance, it seems nothing came out of it. Adverse thoughts, unpropitious wavering. They did not get me anywhere - I knew they never would - and that's the worst part. The pages of my life torn to shreds and scattered all over, almost impossible to gather together again. And, just to make sure, each one of them crumbled into irreversible forms. What could come out of such a year?
Still, the lamp of hope burned brightly at many times. Yes, there were moments throughout the year when it flickered. There were moments when it almost went out. Moments when darkness swept in, almost completely. But somehow, something inside me never let the light go off completely. And then life brought circumstances that gave me hope. The lamp was rekindled. Only to be dashed and dwindled right away, the very next moment. Still, those positive moments of assurance kept me going.
The previous year was supposed to be a 'passing' phase. The dawn of this year was supposed to bring brighter thoughts. But life is full of shocks, sometimes (sometimes?) rude. And I hadn't accounted for this. I hadn't accounted for the fact that passing phases too can last long. Perhaps even longer than the meaning of 'passing' can take. And those hopes of a better life, disappeared into the wilderness. Yet, they came back, sometimes, only to wither away again; and some other times, stronger and truer. And I held on to those, like a dying person holds onto the last bits of a life saving rope.
Yet, when I look deeply, what strikes me is that this year has been magical. Yes, magical! In many, many ways. I couldn't explain many things that happened - things that need not have happened, save for relighting me. I still cannot. And so, in that sense, the year has been a fairytale of sorts. That is amazing in itself. How could an unyielding, most unfavoured year have been a fairytale? Perhaps some Divine Being - in all probability chuckling at me now - up there knows more about it.
And so, here I am, at the close of one more priceless year, in my twenties. For sure, we don't know how precious these years are. At least I don't seem to know. For how else can I explain myself throwing away hours, days and months of these precious years into nothing. And, if I don't learn my lesson even now, I guess I will deserve the unfulfilled life that stares at me.
It was a kind of year that I never wanted to experience; but one that we all inevitably have to, sometime. And, from that angle, I'm glad for it, for it's behind me now. But can years like this one ever be behind us? Every tiny and almost insignificant thing will lead me back to this year even many years from now. And with that thought, doubt creeps in. Doubt that pulls at my mind and tells me that I will never forget the bitterness of this year. And that's a hard life to live - to live in one bitter year forever.
Yet, hope never dies. Tomorrow is a new year. Tomorrow is a new life. A new fairytale. Perhaps.
Bhaskar wrote: