05/03: Gentle Ponderings of 'not to be'
A hasty mind. A troubled soul. Perhaps, you may think, that the answer - 'not to be' - was expected. Perhaps! Now, after my swift mind has come to some daring conclusions, time to ponder about it, more calmly, with some sense of harmony. For once you are no more, you are no more forever, in this life. And that does make us think - think one more time about rushed decisions of death. And, my mind too feels that way. So, let the more serene part of my mind and heart take over me. Let the ardent, crazy part of me rest for a while. Do forgive me if these thoughts have a close resemblance to previous reflections. After all, how may new words and thoughts can a man who has given up on all hope in life, conjure up.
I ask myself more questions - questions that are still intent, but questions that are lighter and more sedate, with a part of me hoping that I will get a different answer. Will the belief in life come back? Will life ever bring any joy? Will the rays of happiness fall on me, given some time? Is it worth the effort and the agony of living, of waiting for times of fulfillment that may never come? Is it not worth it to take the risk and be dead? The answer, perhaps unfortunately, perhaps fortunately, stays the same. But, before I do that which cannot be undone, before I step into the unknown, I do give it a quiet thought. I do take a step backward and view it silently, keeping the fire in the heart at bay.
Quietly, with all tranquility, I again ask my heart - do you think the unending darkness will ever end? Do you think you will ever see the light of day? Is there truly any chance? Is there even a pinch of hope? Perhaps in the past, the answer to each one of these questions, would have been 'yes'. Perhaps, at times, even an emphatic yes. Not, because life was always good. Not because life was always positive. But, simply because life deserved a chance - a good chance. But, today, even when I dig deep into myself and try to find even a tiny part of me thats says 'yes', I cannot. And that, is further affirmation of the answer. And a more restrained, yet perhaps stronger, affirmation. Time takes it all - even our truly optimistic thoughts. It truly does.
Just when it seems like the fanatical part of me is trying to make a comeback, I want to still let myself mull over it with the dispassionate hat on. What if, after I end it, my soul repents? What about all the colors that could have been? What about all the dreams, still unfulfilled, that will finally die with the self-slash? Some trepidations do creep in. Some doubts do ask me to give life another chance. But those are just fleeting glances of the heart towards an unknown, mostly non-existent light. And the heart itself knows that. And finally, there is consensus.
Perhaps we cannot keep our passionate side down too long. However much we try to calm oursleves, the intense, deep thoughts that characterize us, will once again arise to take hold of us. We have to yield to them, however long it may take, and whatever the consequences. But, I did give the other side of me a chance. I did give it a chance to redeem myself and my life. But, it was 'not to be' (pun intended).
Now, since both the passionate and the calm person in me have discovered the same answer - in their own unique ways - what more do I need? Not that I actually needed any affirmations. The answer which the intense part of me had given long ago, was enough. Perhaps, the intensity of my own thoughts has surprised even me. No wonder then, that it did surprise more than a few people. But perhaps the fiery, intuitive part of us is always right. Perhaps our first vivid thoughts are always the truest, and the deepest.
Even though time and again the intense part of me crops up; all these thoughts are really from the softer, calmer and unhasty part of me. So, even tranquil contemplations do not change my answer. They fail to alleviate my 'supposedly' negative thoughts. Though, I reiterate that these are not negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are thoughts without reason, and thoughts without reason cannot arise from the deep, serene and silent mind, that has given itself chance and time. It must have its reasons, and they must be something beyond even my understanding.
I know, some of you may start to get a bit impatient. Maybe I should have just finished it off. Perhaps it would have saved you all from some irritation and me from some more pain. But, after all this is about the final sleep, and I am entitled to take a little time to think, a little time to compose my elaborate goodbye speeches. Don't be too angry, if it takes a few more farewells, a few more words. Don't worry, I will be gone.
There have been a few moments in life that have taken my breath away. And now, waiting for that one final moment which takes my breath away, one final time. That moment of adventure, the moment of death. My time has come. See you all in another lifetime, somewhere far away.
I ask myself more questions - questions that are still intent, but questions that are lighter and more sedate, with a part of me hoping that I will get a different answer. Will the belief in life come back? Will life ever bring any joy? Will the rays of happiness fall on me, given some time? Is it worth the effort and the agony of living, of waiting for times of fulfillment that may never come? Is it not worth it to take the risk and be dead? The answer, perhaps unfortunately, perhaps fortunately, stays the same. But, before I do that which cannot be undone, before I step into the unknown, I do give it a quiet thought. I do take a step backward and view it silently, keeping the fire in the heart at bay.
Quietly, with all tranquility, I again ask my heart - do you think the unending darkness will ever end? Do you think you will ever see the light of day? Is there truly any chance? Is there even a pinch of hope? Perhaps in the past, the answer to each one of these questions, would have been 'yes'. Perhaps, at times, even an emphatic yes. Not, because life was always good. Not because life was always positive. But, simply because life deserved a chance - a good chance. But, today, even when I dig deep into myself and try to find even a tiny part of me thats says 'yes', I cannot. And that, is further affirmation of the answer. And a more restrained, yet perhaps stronger, affirmation. Time takes it all - even our truly optimistic thoughts. It truly does.
Just when it seems like the fanatical part of me is trying to make a comeback, I want to still let myself mull over it with the dispassionate hat on. What if, after I end it, my soul repents? What about all the colors that could have been? What about all the dreams, still unfulfilled, that will finally die with the self-slash? Some trepidations do creep in. Some doubts do ask me to give life another chance. But those are just fleeting glances of the heart towards an unknown, mostly non-existent light. And the heart itself knows that. And finally, there is consensus.
Perhaps we cannot keep our passionate side down too long. However much we try to calm oursleves, the intense, deep thoughts that characterize us, will once again arise to take hold of us. We have to yield to them, however long it may take, and whatever the consequences. But, I did give the other side of me a chance. I did give it a chance to redeem myself and my life. But, it was 'not to be' (pun intended).
Now, since both the passionate and the calm person in me have discovered the same answer - in their own unique ways - what more do I need? Not that I actually needed any affirmations. The answer which the intense part of me had given long ago, was enough. Perhaps, the intensity of my own thoughts has surprised even me. No wonder then, that it did surprise more than a few people. But perhaps the fiery, intuitive part of us is always right. Perhaps our first vivid thoughts are always the truest, and the deepest.
Even though time and again the intense part of me crops up; all these thoughts are really from the softer, calmer and unhasty part of me. So, even tranquil contemplations do not change my answer. They fail to alleviate my 'supposedly' negative thoughts. Though, I reiterate that these are not negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are thoughts without reason, and thoughts without reason cannot arise from the deep, serene and silent mind, that has given itself chance and time. It must have its reasons, and they must be something beyond even my understanding.
I know, some of you may start to get a bit impatient. Maybe I should have just finished it off. Perhaps it would have saved you all from some irritation and me from some more pain. But, after all this is about the final sleep, and I am entitled to take a little time to think, a little time to compose my elaborate goodbye speeches. Don't be too angry, if it takes a few more farewells, a few more words. Don't worry, I will be gone.
There have been a few moments in life that have taken my breath away. And now, waiting for that one final moment which takes my breath away, one final time. That moment of adventure, the moment of death. My time has come. See you all in another lifetime, somewhere far away.
Japanese Maple Trees wrote: