16/05: Long Drive
A dark, lazy Sunday. A reflection of my mood, perhaps even a reflection of my life. I sat behind the steering wheel. And, seat belt in place and my thoughts and imagination flying somewhere above, I took off for a long drive. I made my way out of the city into the deserted lanes of the country side. Almost nothing in front and nothing behind. A lonely road, a lonely drive. It wouldn't serve to get rid of my emptiness, I knew. It could hardly swallow my desperate melancholy. But it was all I could think of.
As I picked up speed, fragments of my hair fluttered against the strong wind that blew. Trees that lined the road zipped by as I wondered whether I could leave some of my agony and frustration behind. Perhaps some of them, however transient, did fly away. They would come back to settle on my shoulders, I knew. But at least I had a fleeting freedom from them. And as the unending road unfolded before me, I let myself rest easy.
I thought of flight, of dreams, and of fantasies and music. I thought of the exhilaration, the stupendous joys and the highs that life can bring. I switched on the radio as it played an old favourite hindi song:
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein
Guzar Jaate Hain Jo Makaam
Woh Phir Nahin Aate,
Woh Phir Nahin Aate...
I lost myself in the sweet melancholy of that melody with a glance - so aptly - towards the mirror. And with the poetry and notes of that song, the view of what was behind me was somewhat musical, somewhat romantic.
It wasn't long, before myriad considerations clouded my mind. If only a long drive could drive away forlorn thoughts of our heart! And from somewhere a hidden tear rolled down my face onto my lips. Where the salty little thing came from is perhaps a long story. But it soon evaporated into the wind, maybe without a trace. Yet, whether the roots of that tear will ever be slain, who is to tell.
The future lay somewhere in the long road ahead. Whether it would bring something exciting, who could fathom. Whether there lay something that I've always dreamt of, waiting for me, I could only wonder. All I could do was to drive on with a little faith and some tiny bits of hope.
As I drove on, my mind wondered about the turns on either side that passed me by. But they were gone in a flash. And many a time, looking back in the mirror, I wondered how different life would have been if I had taken any one of them. In that, I missed a few more. And I wondered what it was that just made us keep going straight on the path we are, without a pause or a turn. Yes, I could have stopped and turned around, but we rarely have that choice in life. In reality, there's no turning back.
Then I came upon a dead end where I had to make a choice. And it struck me that a dead end (in life) was so useful, for you had to turn either way. At least you slow down. At least you take some time, you make some choice. And, I don't know if we can do anything more in life than making what we think are right, uninfluenced choices - choices that are our own.
Thoughts of turns and dead ends left behind, I got back to enjoying the drive. I came upon a stretch that was almost perfectly straight and really long and my leg stepped harder on the accelerator as we (the car and me) raced along and the speed meter moved towards the right (or wrong side) of 100. It was thrilling, perhaps almost fatal. Such are thrills in life, but what is life without them.
And I drove on. Miles ahead of me, miles behind me, unrelenting thoughts in my head, the music still playing. And, I drove on.
As I picked up speed, fragments of my hair fluttered against the strong wind that blew. Trees that lined the road zipped by as I wondered whether I could leave some of my agony and frustration behind. Perhaps some of them, however transient, did fly away. They would come back to settle on my shoulders, I knew. But at least I had a fleeting freedom from them. And as the unending road unfolded before me, I let myself rest easy.
I thought of flight, of dreams, and of fantasies and music. I thought of the exhilaration, the stupendous joys and the highs that life can bring. I switched on the radio as it played an old favourite hindi song:
Zindagi Ke Safar Mein
Guzar Jaate Hain Jo Makaam
Woh Phir Nahin Aate,
Woh Phir Nahin Aate...
I lost myself in the sweet melancholy of that melody with a glance - so aptly - towards the mirror. And with the poetry and notes of that song, the view of what was behind me was somewhat musical, somewhat romantic.
It wasn't long, before myriad considerations clouded my mind. If only a long drive could drive away forlorn thoughts of our heart! And from somewhere a hidden tear rolled down my face onto my lips. Where the salty little thing came from is perhaps a long story. But it soon evaporated into the wind, maybe without a trace. Yet, whether the roots of that tear will ever be slain, who is to tell.
The future lay somewhere in the long road ahead. Whether it would bring something exciting, who could fathom. Whether there lay something that I've always dreamt of, waiting for me, I could only wonder. All I could do was to drive on with a little faith and some tiny bits of hope.
As I drove on, my mind wondered about the turns on either side that passed me by. But they were gone in a flash. And many a time, looking back in the mirror, I wondered how different life would have been if I had taken any one of them. In that, I missed a few more. And I wondered what it was that just made us keep going straight on the path we are, without a pause or a turn. Yes, I could have stopped and turned around, but we rarely have that choice in life. In reality, there's no turning back.
Then I came upon a dead end where I had to make a choice. And it struck me that a dead end (in life) was so useful, for you had to turn either way. At least you slow down. At least you take some time, you make some choice. And, I don't know if we can do anything more in life than making what we think are right, uninfluenced choices - choices that are our own.
Thoughts of turns and dead ends left behind, I got back to enjoying the drive. I came upon a stretch that was almost perfectly straight and really long and my leg stepped harder on the accelerator as we (the car and me) raced along and the speed meter moved towards the right (or wrong side) of 100. It was thrilling, perhaps almost fatal. Such are thrills in life, but what is life without them.
And I drove on. Miles ahead of me, miles behind me, unrelenting thoughts in my head, the music still playing. And, I drove on.
14/12: Have you tried 'that' life?
The gleaming sun shone down on my face. There were trees around, but some distance away, and I sat in the open allowing the sun to burn me down. It was a calm afternoon, yet a very restless one. For life is as calm or as restless as we are inside. My heart was filled with thoughts of the ways of my life. And, I asked myself several questions that day. Perhaps those were important questions to every soul in this world. And those questions just buzzed past me, again and again.
Have you ever seen the endless possibilities of life? Have you even glanced at paths untrodden? Have you ever looked at life that way - at the way it is perhaps supposed to be looked at? Have you ever chased your dreams? Have you ever thought beyond the routine? Beyond the surface? Have you seen depth?
Have you ever tried love over hate? Has you heart ever tried returning a frown with a smile - a smile so endearing, so magical, that melts an enemy into a friend? Have you ever turned a potential rift into a glorious partnership? Have you even wanted to? Have you even given an other a chance to?
Perchance, sometime, you thought of making a difference to someone. Perhaps, a thought about turning a life. A thought that dreamt of lighting a soul that was in the dark. Have you? Have you found solace in that? Have you ever found anything or anyone that you would give your life for? Have you ever even thought about the purpose of your life? Have you ever wanted enlightenment? Have you ever tried to paint your soul with your true colours?
Have you ever pursued the right? Have you ever had the courage to raise a voice? Have you ever let go of safety and gone the distance to fight for something? Have you ever seemingly run out of strength, and yet found it within your deep self? Have you ever tried patience? Persistence? Have you ever believed? Have you tried lasting faith over doubt? Have you ever failed and used the experience to turn it into success? Have you ever gone to those magical heights from the deepest valleys? Have you ever thought you would? Have you even thought that you could? Have you tried to fulfill even half of your potential? Have you even wanted to?
Have you woken up one day and decided to only smile that day? Have you ever tried to awaken the extreme positive side of your thinking? Have you tried to stamp out the bursts of negativity that always come along? Has there been even one single day of your life in which you had no negative thoughts?
Have you ever thought generously? Have you ever just given something, or perhaps everything just because you felt like, even to the most undeserving person? Have you ever given all you had or will ever have? Have you ever given way for another vehicle to pass you even in the most busy traffic times? Have you even waited for someone to cross the road before you zoom past them? Have you ever smiled at someone who hit your car and perhaps even damaged it badly? Have you ever let someone behind you in a queue to be served first? Have you perhaps paid for some strangers' dinner in a restaurant - people you did not even know? Have you given anyone a pleasant surprise that is unforgettable?
Have you ever forgiven someone, for a 'sin' that never deserved forgiveness? With your heart? Have you ever tried to replace that unending feeling of vengeance with a forever feeling of peace. Have you even forgiven yourself? Have you ever sought redemption? Have you ever thought that joy is the way of life? That every single living being deserves it? Have you thought that you too deserved happiness, and that the world wants you to experience it?
Have you ever asked someone for help? Have you even given someone a chance to lend you a hand? Perhaps there is someone who is ever willing to do that? Have you looked at someone and felt that way? Have you given them a chance to that right? Have you given the world itself the chance to help you? Have you ever tried to free someone, even yourself, from the self imposed chains? Have you ever glanced at that free, charming, mystical, jubilant and gratifying life that can be yours?
As I looked around, I noticed three things. The sun that shone down on me, the shade of the trees slightly far away, yet reachable, and the ways of my life. I asked myself: have I tried that life?
Have you ever tried living 'that' way? Have you ever tried 'that' life?
Have you ever seen the endless possibilities of life? Have you even glanced at paths untrodden? Have you ever looked at life that way - at the way it is perhaps supposed to be looked at? Have you ever chased your dreams? Have you ever thought beyond the routine? Beyond the surface? Have you seen depth?
Have you ever tried love over hate? Has you heart ever tried returning a frown with a smile - a smile so endearing, so magical, that melts an enemy into a friend? Have you ever turned a potential rift into a glorious partnership? Have you even wanted to? Have you even given an other a chance to?
Perchance, sometime, you thought of making a difference to someone. Perhaps, a thought about turning a life. A thought that dreamt of lighting a soul that was in the dark. Have you? Have you found solace in that? Have you ever found anything or anyone that you would give your life for? Have you ever even thought about the purpose of your life? Have you ever wanted enlightenment? Have you ever tried to paint your soul with your true colours?
Have you ever pursued the right? Have you ever had the courage to raise a voice? Have you ever let go of safety and gone the distance to fight for something? Have you ever seemingly run out of strength, and yet found it within your deep self? Have you ever tried patience? Persistence? Have you ever believed? Have you tried lasting faith over doubt? Have you ever failed and used the experience to turn it into success? Have you ever gone to those magical heights from the deepest valleys? Have you ever thought you would? Have you even thought that you could? Have you tried to fulfill even half of your potential? Have you even wanted to?
Have you woken up one day and decided to only smile that day? Have you ever tried to awaken the extreme positive side of your thinking? Have you tried to stamp out the bursts of negativity that always come along? Has there been even one single day of your life in which you had no negative thoughts?
Have you ever thought generously? Have you ever just given something, or perhaps everything just because you felt like, even to the most undeserving person? Have you ever given all you had or will ever have? Have you ever given way for another vehicle to pass you even in the most busy traffic times? Have you even waited for someone to cross the road before you zoom past them? Have you ever smiled at someone who hit your car and perhaps even damaged it badly? Have you ever let someone behind you in a queue to be served first? Have you perhaps paid for some strangers' dinner in a restaurant - people you did not even know? Have you given anyone a pleasant surprise that is unforgettable?
Have you ever forgiven someone, for a 'sin' that never deserved forgiveness? With your heart? Have you ever tried to replace that unending feeling of vengeance with a forever feeling of peace. Have you even forgiven yourself? Have you ever sought redemption? Have you ever thought that joy is the way of life? That every single living being deserves it? Have you thought that you too deserved happiness, and that the world wants you to experience it?
Have you ever asked someone for help? Have you even given someone a chance to lend you a hand? Perhaps there is someone who is ever willing to do that? Have you looked at someone and felt that way? Have you given them a chance to that right? Have you given the world itself the chance to help you? Have you ever tried to free someone, even yourself, from the self imposed chains? Have you ever glanced at that free, charming, mystical, jubilant and gratifying life that can be yours?
As I looked around, I noticed three things. The sun that shone down on me, the shade of the trees slightly far away, yet reachable, and the ways of my life. I asked myself: have I tried that life?
Have you ever tried living 'that' way? Have you ever tried 'that' life?
24/09: Come, Ye Death
Come ye Death,
Come soon and take me;
To somewhere far away.
Come fast ye Death,
Come soon to end
This affliction and ache
Amicably, come now.
The wicked arrows of life
Have stung the past and present;
But come ye Death;
Come and withhold the sting
Of the future.
Come and slay, quickly,
The swords of dolor,
With one master stroke
From Thy great sword.
Ti's heavy this burden,
This weight of existence;
Oh come ye Death,
The wait has been long.
The nights that remain,
Days that never come,
And yet this hope that lives;
Come ye Death;
Come, bring eternal darkness
And forever let it be.
Oh how I pray,
For Death to come,
To end this plight,
And to take flight
To the skies and beyond.
I open my hands
To the Heavens above,
And pray once more:
Oh come, ye Death,
Come this day.
Be swift, oh Death,
Come right away,
Come and drive
The last nail.
Come soon and take me;
To somewhere far away.
Come fast ye Death,
Come soon to end
This affliction and ache
Amicably, come now.
The wicked arrows of life
Have stung the past and present;
But come ye Death;
Come and withhold the sting
Of the future.
Come and slay, quickly,
The swords of dolor,
With one master stroke
From Thy great sword.
Ti's heavy this burden,
This weight of existence;
Oh come ye Death,
The wait has been long.
The nights that remain,
Days that never come,
And yet this hope that lives;
Come ye Death;
Come, bring eternal darkness
And forever let it be.
Oh how I pray,
For Death to come,
To end this plight,
And to take flight
To the skies and beyond.
I open my hands
To the Heavens above,
And pray once more:
Oh come, ye Death,
Come this day.
Be swift, oh Death,
Come right away,
Come and drive
The last nail.
18/09: The heart still asks...
The road ahead -
Just thorns and stone;
The wind blowing,
In directions unknown.
No rose, no gold,
No joy the eyes can see;
Nothing, far into the future,
Nothing in the forlorn past.
Desolate fields, empty hearts
No shade from the tiring heat;
Sole soul in the desert,
Deserted by life itself.
Ruined; the heart asks,
For a small rainbow
That it knows,
May never be born.
The faint smell - that yet haunts -
Of a spring long forgotten;
Old traces of sunshine, and
Of a flower that once grew.
Was there ever a summer?
Even, long, long ago?
In a previous birth?
Perhaps.
Miles and miles of barren land,
And vast spaces of solitude;
Everything seemingly insane,
And still, the unending rain.
And yet, the heart asks,
Though its clear
No green may ever be found;
For seeds to grow.
The smile in the mirror,
Now a far away memory;
Now only emptiness
And a tear.
The search for something,
Perhaps the heart knows not what;
Yet, even if it knew,
What life would come of it?
Life is cruel, She does make
Bitter people, of us all;
And yet she is generous
In her gifts of darkness.
The question then arises,
And with no answer forthcoming
The heart still asks -
Will there ever be light anew?
Just thorns and stone;
The wind blowing,
In directions unknown.
No rose, no gold,
No joy the eyes can see;
Nothing, far into the future,
Nothing in the forlorn past.
Desolate fields, empty hearts
No shade from the tiring heat;
Sole soul in the desert,
Deserted by life itself.
Ruined; the heart asks,
For a small rainbow
That it knows,
May never be born.
The faint smell - that yet haunts -
Of a spring long forgotten;
Old traces of sunshine, and
Of a flower that once grew.
Was there ever a summer?
Even, long, long ago?
In a previous birth?
Perhaps.
Miles and miles of barren land,
And vast spaces of solitude;
Everything seemingly insane,
And still, the unending rain.
And yet, the heart asks,
Though its clear
No green may ever be found;
For seeds to grow.
The smile in the mirror,
Now a far away memory;
Now only emptiness
And a tear.
The search for something,
Perhaps the heart knows not what;
Yet, even if it knew,
What life would come of it?
Life is cruel, She does make
Bitter people, of us all;
And yet she is generous
In her gifts of darkness.
The question then arises,
And with no answer forthcoming
The heart still asks -
Will there ever be light anew?
A hasty mind. A troubled soul. Perhaps, you may think, that the answer - 'not to be' - was expected. Perhaps! Now, after my swift mind has come to some daring conclusions, time to ponder about it, more calmly, with some sense of harmony. For once you are no more, you are no more forever, in this life. And that does make us think - think one more time about rushed decisions of death. And, my mind too feels that way. So, let the more serene part of my mind and heart take over me. Let the ardent, crazy part of me rest for a while. Do forgive me if these thoughts have a close resemblance to previous reflections. After all, how may new words and thoughts can a man who has given up on all hope in life, conjure up.
I ask myself more questions - questions that are still intent, but questions that are lighter and more sedate, with a part of me hoping that I will get a different answer. Will the belief in life come back? Will life ever bring any joy? Will the rays of happiness fall on me, given some time? Is it worth the effort and the agony of living, of waiting for times of fulfillment that may never come? Is it not worth it to take the risk and be dead? The answer, perhaps unfortunately, perhaps fortunately, stays the same. But, before I do that which cannot be undone, before I step into the unknown, I do give it a quiet thought. I do take a step backward and view it silently, keeping the fire in the heart at bay.
Quietly, with all tranquility, I again ask my heart - do you think the unending darkness will ever end? Do you think you will ever see the light of day? Is there truly any chance? Is there even a pinch of hope? Perhaps in the past, the answer to each one of these questions, would have been 'yes'. Perhaps, at times, even an emphatic yes. Not, because life was always good. Not because life was always positive. But, simply because life deserved a chance - a good chance. But, today, even when I dig deep into myself and try to find even a tiny part of me thats says 'yes', I cannot. And that, is further affirmation of the answer. And a more restrained, yet perhaps stronger, affirmation. Time takes it all - even our truly optimistic thoughts. It truly does.
Just when it seems like the fanatical part of me is trying to make a comeback, I want to still let myself mull over it with the dispassionate hat on. What if, after I end it, my soul repents? What about all the colors that could have been? What about all the dreams, still unfulfilled, that will finally die with the self-slash? Some trepidations do creep in. Some doubts do ask me to give life another chance. But those are just fleeting glances of the heart towards an unknown, mostly non-existent light. And the heart itself knows that. And finally, there is consensus.
Perhaps we cannot keep our passionate side down too long. However much we try to calm oursleves, the intense, deep thoughts that characterize us, will once again arise to take hold of us. We have to yield to them, however long it may take, and whatever the consequences. But, I did give the other side of me a chance. I did give it a chance to redeem myself and my life. But, it was 'not to be' (pun intended).
Now, since both the passionate and the calm person in me have discovered the same answer - in their own unique ways - what more do I need? Not that I actually needed any affirmations. The answer which the intense part of me had given long ago, was enough. Perhaps, the intensity of my own thoughts has surprised even me. No wonder then, that it did surprise more than a few people. But perhaps the fiery, intuitive part of us is always right. Perhaps our first vivid thoughts are always the truest, and the deepest.
Even though time and again the intense part of me crops up; all these thoughts are really from the softer, calmer and unhasty part of me. So, even tranquil contemplations do not change my answer. They fail to alleviate my 'supposedly' negative thoughts. Though, I reiterate that these are not negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are thoughts without reason, and thoughts without reason cannot arise from the deep, serene and silent mind, that has given itself chance and time. It must have its reasons, and they must be something beyond even my understanding.
I know, some of you may start to get a bit impatient. Maybe I should have just finished it off. Perhaps it would have saved you all from some irritation and me from some more pain. But, after all this is about the final sleep, and I am entitled to take a little time to think, a little time to compose my elaborate goodbye speeches. Don't be too angry, if it takes a few more farewells, a few more words. Don't worry, I will be gone.
There have been a few moments in life that have taken my breath away. And now, waiting for that one final moment which takes my breath away, one final time. That moment of adventure, the moment of death. My time has come. See you all in another lifetime, somewhere far away.
I ask myself more questions - questions that are still intent, but questions that are lighter and more sedate, with a part of me hoping that I will get a different answer. Will the belief in life come back? Will life ever bring any joy? Will the rays of happiness fall on me, given some time? Is it worth the effort and the agony of living, of waiting for times of fulfillment that may never come? Is it not worth it to take the risk and be dead? The answer, perhaps unfortunately, perhaps fortunately, stays the same. But, before I do that which cannot be undone, before I step into the unknown, I do give it a quiet thought. I do take a step backward and view it silently, keeping the fire in the heart at bay.
Quietly, with all tranquility, I again ask my heart - do you think the unending darkness will ever end? Do you think you will ever see the light of day? Is there truly any chance? Is there even a pinch of hope? Perhaps in the past, the answer to each one of these questions, would have been 'yes'. Perhaps, at times, even an emphatic yes. Not, because life was always good. Not because life was always positive. But, simply because life deserved a chance - a good chance. But, today, even when I dig deep into myself and try to find even a tiny part of me thats says 'yes', I cannot. And that, is further affirmation of the answer. And a more restrained, yet perhaps stronger, affirmation. Time takes it all - even our truly optimistic thoughts. It truly does.
Just when it seems like the fanatical part of me is trying to make a comeback, I want to still let myself mull over it with the dispassionate hat on. What if, after I end it, my soul repents? What about all the colors that could have been? What about all the dreams, still unfulfilled, that will finally die with the self-slash? Some trepidations do creep in. Some doubts do ask me to give life another chance. But those are just fleeting glances of the heart towards an unknown, mostly non-existent light. And the heart itself knows that. And finally, there is consensus.
Perhaps we cannot keep our passionate side down too long. However much we try to calm oursleves, the intense, deep thoughts that characterize us, will once again arise to take hold of us. We have to yield to them, however long it may take, and whatever the consequences. But, I did give the other side of me a chance. I did give it a chance to redeem myself and my life. But, it was 'not to be' (pun intended).
Now, since both the passionate and the calm person in me have discovered the same answer - in their own unique ways - what more do I need? Not that I actually needed any affirmations. The answer which the intense part of me had given long ago, was enough. Perhaps, the intensity of my own thoughts has surprised even me. No wonder then, that it did surprise more than a few people. But perhaps the fiery, intuitive part of us is always right. Perhaps our first vivid thoughts are always the truest, and the deepest.
Even though time and again the intense part of me crops up; all these thoughts are really from the softer, calmer and unhasty part of me. So, even tranquil contemplations do not change my answer. They fail to alleviate my 'supposedly' negative thoughts. Though, I reiterate that these are not negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are thoughts without reason, and thoughts without reason cannot arise from the deep, serene and silent mind, that has given itself chance and time. It must have its reasons, and they must be something beyond even my understanding.
I know, some of you may start to get a bit impatient. Maybe I should have just finished it off. Perhaps it would have saved you all from some irritation and me from some more pain. But, after all this is about the final sleep, and I am entitled to take a little time to think, a little time to compose my elaborate goodbye speeches. Don't be too angry, if it takes a few more farewells, a few more words. Don't worry, I will be gone.
There have been a few moments in life that have taken my breath away. And now, waiting for that one final moment which takes my breath away, one final time. That moment of adventure, the moment of death. My time has come. See you all in another lifetime, somewhere far away.
24/02: To be or not to be
To be, or not to be. That, is not the question. That, is the answer. For the moment, you think that you have had enough of this life, the moment you think that this life is no more worth it, you have your answer. It is the sign that life is whispering to you to let go and be done with it. It is life answering your question and telling you to make the transition into another world - the world that perhaps exists after death - a world that is perhaps far more beautiful, much more right.
Why do you want to live the life that is all about tribulations? Why do you want to live the life that only afflicts? Why allow this life to burn you over and over again, everyday, every minute; when you can cease the torment forever with just one stroke of the knife, or one end of a rope? Where are the questions? All these are your answers. Why wait a hundred years - a hundred aching years - to end this wretched life and be born into another, deeper and colorful world? End it now.
And, do not make the mistake of thinking that someday in the near or distant future you will get your due. Do not ever think that life will have a heart someday. Because, it is the greatest lie of life that it will change for the good. It is life's way of trying to hold you captive to its miseries, to the devils that are the friends of life. Do not hold on long after the drive for life has ceased to exist. Do not, for God's sake - if there is any such Being called God, let this cruel life take you to the smithereens. The biggest positive of life is that you have the chance to terminate it at any point in time. That is the only string that you can certainly play on. I pray, play it now.
And that brings us to the question - what does life want from us? It tortures us at every step, and yet gives us the choice to end it. Perhaps it is a test that is so easy to pass, yet so many of us fail. Perhaps the best answer to life's test - the answer that life is looking for, the option that only a few wise people chose - is to close your life as soon as the signs begin to show. The faster you do it, the more marks you score. Of course who cares how many marks one gets in life. But, it's all about limiting the agony. That is all life wants from us. I beg you, be wise now.
Of course there are those lucky few, to whom life endears itself. Those fortunate souls, those favoured people. And, we look at them and begin to feel a positive vibe for life - a vibe that's too short-lived, a vibe that shows us a misleading path, a path that we all are tempted to believe will lead us to a better and happier life. 'If life has been good to some people, why should I not believe that life will be good to me someday?' Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. It has its chosen few who will always experience bliss. We may feel that there is just that remote chance that life will be kinder to us someday. But, it's not worth it. Believe me the probability is just awfully low. If you are not one of life's chosen ones and if life has shown you the signs, then you know what to do. Do it now.
Don't even for one moment think that these are negative thoughts, They aren't. They are greatly positive. When life has treated you badly and when you have had more than enough, you at least know that there is that option that will definitely work. Isn't that a positive thought? Isn't that a great recluse, that this life has thankfully given us. Be happy for it. These are all perfectly positive thoughts. You have nothing much to lose. It will be downright funny if you still think that not living long in this aching, unfair life is a loss. Forget it. Learn your lesson, now.
There is that last thing to think about. About people who know you. Don't worry that people who are left behind will be sad. Let's face it, the reality is that there aren't too many people who care for you or who will even think of you after you are gone. The people who care for you - if they are any at all - will anyway be happy that you are no longer in agony. They will be happy for you. So, now that the last of your doubts is out of the way, what are you waiting for?
Don't be too perturbed if you aren't one of life's chosen few. Alas, I am not one of them, either. Life may not have chosen me. But yet, I have nothing against this life. For, this life has taught me a lesson - thankfully early in life. Blessed be this life that has given me the answer. To be, or not to be. That, is not my question. That, is my answer.
And now, the only question that remains is, do I have the courage to finish it? I think I do. Farewell.
Why do you want to live the life that is all about tribulations? Why do you want to live the life that only afflicts? Why allow this life to burn you over and over again, everyday, every minute; when you can cease the torment forever with just one stroke of the knife, or one end of a rope? Where are the questions? All these are your answers. Why wait a hundred years - a hundred aching years - to end this wretched life and be born into another, deeper and colorful world? End it now.
And, do not make the mistake of thinking that someday in the near or distant future you will get your due. Do not ever think that life will have a heart someday. Because, it is the greatest lie of life that it will change for the good. It is life's way of trying to hold you captive to its miseries, to the devils that are the friends of life. Do not hold on long after the drive for life has ceased to exist. Do not, for God's sake - if there is any such Being called God, let this cruel life take you to the smithereens. The biggest positive of life is that you have the chance to terminate it at any point in time. That is the only string that you can certainly play on. I pray, play it now.
And that brings us to the question - what does life want from us? It tortures us at every step, and yet gives us the choice to end it. Perhaps it is a test that is so easy to pass, yet so many of us fail. Perhaps the best answer to life's test - the answer that life is looking for, the option that only a few wise people chose - is to close your life as soon as the signs begin to show. The faster you do it, the more marks you score. Of course who cares how many marks one gets in life. But, it's all about limiting the agony. That is all life wants from us. I beg you, be wise now.
Of course there are those lucky few, to whom life endears itself. Those fortunate souls, those favoured people. And, we look at them and begin to feel a positive vibe for life - a vibe that's too short-lived, a vibe that shows us a misleading path, a path that we all are tempted to believe will lead us to a better and happier life. 'If life has been good to some people, why should I not believe that life will be good to me someday?' Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. It has its chosen few who will always experience bliss. We may feel that there is just that remote chance that life will be kinder to us someday. But, it's not worth it. Believe me the probability is just awfully low. If you are not one of life's chosen ones and if life has shown you the signs, then you know what to do. Do it now.
Don't even for one moment think that these are negative thoughts, They aren't. They are greatly positive. When life has treated you badly and when you have had more than enough, you at least know that there is that option that will definitely work. Isn't that a positive thought? Isn't that a great recluse, that this life has thankfully given us. Be happy for it. These are all perfectly positive thoughts. You have nothing much to lose. It will be downright funny if you still think that not living long in this aching, unfair life is a loss. Forget it. Learn your lesson, now.
There is that last thing to think about. About people who know you. Don't worry that people who are left behind will be sad. Let's face it, the reality is that there aren't too many people who care for you or who will even think of you after you are gone. The people who care for you - if they are any at all - will anyway be happy that you are no longer in agony. They will be happy for you. So, now that the last of your doubts is out of the way, what are you waiting for?
Don't be too perturbed if you aren't one of life's chosen few. Alas, I am not one of them, either. Life may not have chosen me. But yet, I have nothing against this life. For, this life has taught me a lesson - thankfully early in life. Blessed be this life that has given me the answer. To be, or not to be. That, is not my question. That, is my answer.
And now, the only question that remains is, do I have the courage to finish it? I think I do. Farewell.
15/01: The dawn will come
The seemingly limitless horizon of darkness staring at you. The incessant rush of ill luck that almost buries you. The constant tirade of unyielding impediments. The almost impossible terrain of life. A turbulent ocean. A sinking ship. No light house in sight. The fast slipping faith. The rope that is thinning quickly.
Are you in the midst of such a tryst? Is there a feeling that this will go on forever? Sometimes, we are completely helpless and all we can do against the storm is to let ourselves be blown away and hope to still do enough to be just alright when the storm ceases. All we can do is to hope that our steps in the darkness will lead us somewhere. All we can do, is to constantly believe that light is not far away. But such belief is not mere hope, as we sometimes come to think. It is the belief in life itself. A belief in the larger picture. It is the knowledge that everything will somehow fall into place. It is a knowledge that comes from deep within.
The days when success seems completely beyond your grasp. When every damn second seems like a long painful struggle. When it seems as if life itself is not worth the misery. Those moments of extreme confusion. When such days do pass, as they should and will someday, we will know that we truly experienced life in them. What is a life without the sting? What is life without those moments when we truly lived, even in the pain?
Are there days when you long to celebrate, but cannot find any reason or heart? Are there moments when you wonder when the next second of joy will come? Such times are at the heart of a complete life. They really are. For when the times do change, when the wind does blow with you, and the celebrations return, they will be much more meaningful, so much more enjoyable, so much more gratifying.
We all know, life will never be one of only happiness, will not always bring success. But sometimes, when the periods of glum go on beyond a point, we do feel that this will never end. We do feel that life will never change. But, life is all about times - and sometimes extended periods - when things don't go your way. Those are the times that make you. Those are the times when you discover yourself, when you find out what you are made of. Hidden in such times, in reality, are the opportunities to grow, to become someone better, someone more complete.
Those are not the times to escape into the confines of despair. They are the times that should bring out the best in you. They are the times of unlimited potential. They are the times when previously unseen avenues open up. Of course, they are hard times. But, the thrill of a difficult, yet thoroughly enjoyable life is something that I would not trade for anything. The sweet sugar of success and happiness is not easily available. But there sure is extra sweetness in the anything that's been hard to get!
And, believe me, if you haven't experienced extreme sorrow, you haven't lived a life at all. For the romantic felicity that it brings, is something out of the ordinary, something almost divine. The spice that it adds to life is almost indispensable. It brings in a special connect to your inner self that is hard to miss. True fulfillment comes only through such times. And, when traces of light reappear, life will be more than it was ever before.
Today, life may seem hopeless. Today, you may never see a road ahead. But, life isn't about finding roads that exist. What is the fun then? Life is about not knowing where to go, not finding any paths, but still having the courage and composure to make your own. And the gloomy, unlit road that it initially seems, will someday, for sure, be illuminated - illumination that should start with the sparks from your soul.
Life may sometimes seem to be a long, cold night. It may seem to be winter forever. But, summer and warm days will be there again. The grim and dark days may well seem to stretch till eternity. They may seem never ending. But, ever has it been that night has to make way someday. Bide your time. Hold on. The sun will rise. The dawn will come.
Are you in the midst of such a tryst? Is there a feeling that this will go on forever? Sometimes, we are completely helpless and all we can do against the storm is to let ourselves be blown away and hope to still do enough to be just alright when the storm ceases. All we can do is to hope that our steps in the darkness will lead us somewhere. All we can do, is to constantly believe that light is not far away. But such belief is not mere hope, as we sometimes come to think. It is the belief in life itself. A belief in the larger picture. It is the knowledge that everything will somehow fall into place. It is a knowledge that comes from deep within.
The days when success seems completely beyond your grasp. When every damn second seems like a long painful struggle. When it seems as if life itself is not worth the misery. Those moments of extreme confusion. When such days do pass, as they should and will someday, we will know that we truly experienced life in them. What is a life without the sting? What is life without those moments when we truly lived, even in the pain?
Are there days when you long to celebrate, but cannot find any reason or heart? Are there moments when you wonder when the next second of joy will come? Such times are at the heart of a complete life. They really are. For when the times do change, when the wind does blow with you, and the celebrations return, they will be much more meaningful, so much more enjoyable, so much more gratifying.
We all know, life will never be one of only happiness, will not always bring success. But sometimes, when the periods of glum go on beyond a point, we do feel that this will never end. We do feel that life will never change. But, life is all about times - and sometimes extended periods - when things don't go your way. Those are the times that make you. Those are the times when you discover yourself, when you find out what you are made of. Hidden in such times, in reality, are the opportunities to grow, to become someone better, someone more complete.
Those are not the times to escape into the confines of despair. They are the times that should bring out the best in you. They are the times of unlimited potential. They are the times when previously unseen avenues open up. Of course, they are hard times. But, the thrill of a difficult, yet thoroughly enjoyable life is something that I would not trade for anything. The sweet sugar of success and happiness is not easily available. But there sure is extra sweetness in the anything that's been hard to get!
And, believe me, if you haven't experienced extreme sorrow, you haven't lived a life at all. For the romantic felicity that it brings, is something out of the ordinary, something almost divine. The spice that it adds to life is almost indispensable. It brings in a special connect to your inner self that is hard to miss. True fulfillment comes only through such times. And, when traces of light reappear, life will be more than it was ever before.
Today, life may seem hopeless. Today, you may never see a road ahead. But, life isn't about finding roads that exist. What is the fun then? Life is about not knowing where to go, not finding any paths, but still having the courage and composure to make your own. And the gloomy, unlit road that it initially seems, will someday, for sure, be illuminated - illumination that should start with the sparks from your soul.
Life may sometimes seem to be a long, cold night. It may seem to be winter forever. But, summer and warm days will be there again. The grim and dark days may well seem to stretch till eternity. They may seem never ending. But, ever has it been that night has to make way someday. Bide your time. Hold on. The sun will rise. The dawn will come.
01/09: The final silence
I wonder what it is
To feel that final sleep
And to never awaken;
What it feels like
To never again live,
To never again die.
To experience the end of time;
To never know a yesterday,
And to never search for a tomorrow;
To forget all memories - good and bad,
To forget everything that one ever had.
I wonder what it is
To neither feel a pain,
Nor feel any joy.
To never again laugh or cheer;
To never again shed a tear.
To never have any question,
To never find an answer;
To never feel those myriad colors,
And to never again see their glow;
To never ever know a rainbow.
I wonder what it is
To never again rise,
To never again fall;
To pause all breath forever,
To never feel the pulse again - never.
To never again expect,
And to never again hope;
To never ever know a fear,
To never have a desire;
To never again be burnt by the fire.
I wonder what it is
To never again feel any love,
And never to know a beat;
To never know that magic rush,
To never again feel that unknown blush.
To never again want to win,
And to never feel any loss;
To never again perchance meet,
To part and never again part,
And to never again break a heart.
I wonder what it is
To never have any paths,
To never see a road ahead;
And to never have to make a choice,
To never have to raise a voice.
To forget all things learned,
And all things that were pushed;
To forget what knowledge is,
To forget science and math with nothing to keep,
After passing has cast its shadow deep.
I wonder what it is
To feel an eternal darkness,
To never know another light;
To never feel any warmth or cold,
To never again want a diamond or gold.
To finally be free of all bonds,
To know nothing of the law,
And nothing of the perpetual bend;
To at last bring this torture to an end,
To have nothing to mend, nothing to mend.
I wonder what it is
To never again hear a word,
To never speak a language;
To never feel a touch or any sense,
To never again see this world through the lens.
I wonder what it is;
I wonder what it is,
To feel that final silence.
To feel that final sleep
And to never awaken;
What it feels like
To never again live,
To never again die.
To experience the end of time;
To never know a yesterday,
And to never search for a tomorrow;
To forget all memories - good and bad,
To forget everything that one ever had.
I wonder what it is
To neither feel a pain,
Nor feel any joy.
To never again laugh or cheer;
To never again shed a tear.
To never have any question,
To never find an answer;
To never feel those myriad colors,
And to never again see their glow;
To never ever know a rainbow.
I wonder what it is
To never again rise,
To never again fall;
To pause all breath forever,
To never feel the pulse again - never.
To never again expect,
And to never again hope;
To never ever know a fear,
To never have a desire;
To never again be burnt by the fire.
I wonder what it is
To never again feel any love,
And never to know a beat;
To never know that magic rush,
To never again feel that unknown blush.
To never again want to win,
And to never feel any loss;
To never again perchance meet,
To part and never again part,
And to never again break a heart.
I wonder what it is
To never have any paths,
To never see a road ahead;
And to never have to make a choice,
To never have to raise a voice.
To forget all things learned,
And all things that were pushed;
To forget what knowledge is,
To forget science and math with nothing to keep,
After passing has cast its shadow deep.
I wonder what it is
To feel an eternal darkness,
To never know another light;
To never feel any warmth or cold,
To never again want a diamond or gold.
To finally be free of all bonds,
To know nothing of the law,
And nothing of the perpetual bend;
To at last bring this torture to an end,
To have nothing to mend, nothing to mend.
I wonder what it is
To never again hear a word,
To never speak a language;
To never feel a touch or any sense,
To never again see this world through the lens.
I wonder what it is;
I wonder what it is,
To feel that final silence.
07/08: Carried Away
It was a dark winter evening - the sort of evening when one is confronted with dark thoughts and dark clouds of doubt. The strong wind that blew in one direction, took my thoughts with it. Thoughts of being 'carried away' with the wind. Thoughts of not having the courage to go against the wind. Thoughts of having come too far. Thoughts of a 'wind' inside that was not strong enough.
And then, my thoughts flew in myriad directions. I just began to wonder whether we lacked inner strength. Strength to stand up for what we 'rightly' want. Strength that needed to come from beyond the surface, strength that was much deeper. Thoughts of that strength weakened me further.
And then came thoughts of a coward inside us all. A coward who did not want to take responsibility. A coward who just followed the 'trend'. A coward who found it far easier to flow with the wind and take no blame, rather than fly against the wind and face the wrath of other 'strong' cowards who are with the wind. And then came the most dangerous thought of all. The thought of the coward in us spreading to other 'innocent' people who come along our way. Thoughts of 'encouraging', almost nagging people to let the external wind do its 'duty'. Thoughts of more and more people being carried away. Something inside me was truly melancholic that evening. I felt it deep within.
I felt sad that we had reduced ourselves to this. Reduced ourselves from being divine souls, who could carve out a path against any wind, to people who had freed themselves of any inner urge to lead a life of their own. The sadness that gripped me that evening was deeper than anything that had ever been. It just continued to weaken me.
All of us have that natural urge within us to go in directions that interest us, directions that truly 'invite' us. But that urge is blocked and strangled by 'society'. Years of conditioning, years of 'education', the relentless speed of routine life all act as catalysts to stop that urge within us, almost eliminating it.
And then I heard the sound of my watch - the tick. Every tick just deepened the sadness inside. It just reminded me of how my life was flying away. Every tick removed a second from my life and added nothing, maybe more despair. Life is probably a tragedy anyway. But, tragedies can be happy. Following the wind and going nowhere, perhaps, will make it a sad tragedy.
Ofcourse, there are a few who have found that strength inside. Those who have a wind inside them that is the strongest of all. Souls whose passion and determination have helped them swim against the tide. Souls who are not 'mere' people following a set path. Can we find that soul inside us? Can we find that force that can accelerate the wind within? The answers to these questions lie deep within us. And, they may well determine our life.
The first step is to freeze for a moment and think. To realize that there is a wind that is blowing us away in directions unwanted. To realize that we have not found the passion, the strength. To still know that if we dig deep inside us, we can find a force. To realize that once we do find that first scent of a strong wind within us, it becomes remarkably easy. As these thoughts gripped me, suddenly I just found a little bit of strength. I think I had made a beginning.
That dark evening, I somehow found some light within. A light that will hopefully lead me in directions that are meaningful. A light that will perhaps ignite a spark within me, that will push me against the wind. That evening, I suddenly felt a strange sense of urge.
We are all being 'carried away' by the winds of trend. We can all sense it. Before we go too far and before we 'guide' others too far with the wind, we must stop. Otherwise our lives will drift away in known, seemingly safe directions, only to be someday buried in unremembered and worthless destinations.
And then, my thoughts flew in myriad directions. I just began to wonder whether we lacked inner strength. Strength to stand up for what we 'rightly' want. Strength that needed to come from beyond the surface, strength that was much deeper. Thoughts of that strength weakened me further.
And then came thoughts of a coward inside us all. A coward who did not want to take responsibility. A coward who just followed the 'trend'. A coward who found it far easier to flow with the wind and take no blame, rather than fly against the wind and face the wrath of other 'strong' cowards who are with the wind. And then came the most dangerous thought of all. The thought of the coward in us spreading to other 'innocent' people who come along our way. Thoughts of 'encouraging', almost nagging people to let the external wind do its 'duty'. Thoughts of more and more people being carried away. Something inside me was truly melancholic that evening. I felt it deep within.
I felt sad that we had reduced ourselves to this. Reduced ourselves from being divine souls, who could carve out a path against any wind, to people who had freed themselves of any inner urge to lead a life of their own. The sadness that gripped me that evening was deeper than anything that had ever been. It just continued to weaken me.
All of us have that natural urge within us to go in directions that interest us, directions that truly 'invite' us. But that urge is blocked and strangled by 'society'. Years of conditioning, years of 'education', the relentless speed of routine life all act as catalysts to stop that urge within us, almost eliminating it.
And then I heard the sound of my watch - the tick. Every tick just deepened the sadness inside. It just reminded me of how my life was flying away. Every tick removed a second from my life and added nothing, maybe more despair. Life is probably a tragedy anyway. But, tragedies can be happy. Following the wind and going nowhere, perhaps, will make it a sad tragedy.
Ofcourse, there are a few who have found that strength inside. Those who have a wind inside them that is the strongest of all. Souls whose passion and determination have helped them swim against the tide. Souls who are not 'mere' people following a set path. Can we find that soul inside us? Can we find that force that can accelerate the wind within? The answers to these questions lie deep within us. And, they may well determine our life.
The first step is to freeze for a moment and think. To realize that there is a wind that is blowing us away in directions unwanted. To realize that we have not found the passion, the strength. To still know that if we dig deep inside us, we can find a force. To realize that once we do find that first scent of a strong wind within us, it becomes remarkably easy. As these thoughts gripped me, suddenly I just found a little bit of strength. I think I had made a beginning.
That dark evening, I somehow found some light within. A light that will hopefully lead me in directions that are meaningful. A light that will perhaps ignite a spark within me, that will push me against the wind. That evening, I suddenly felt a strange sense of urge.
We are all being 'carried away' by the winds of trend. We can all sense it. Before we go too far and before we 'guide' others too far with the wind, we must stop. Otherwise our lives will drift away in known, seemingly safe directions, only to be someday buried in unremembered and worthless destinations.
28/06: A Journey of thoughts
A little train, a lonely mind,
A setting so perfect, calm and pure;
To reflect on journeys young and old;
Journeys that will be and journeys that were.
Thus began a journey forward,
Somewhere into the country vast,
And a journey backward,
Into the unforgotten past.
The tracks that passed by,
And the many trees;
They seemed to me reminders
Of old memories.
And of ancient distant things
That this mind still smelt,
Of a season of spring or summer old
Of feelings and words, of silence heartfelt.
Then I saw the valleys and the hills,
The hints of high and hints of low
And the tunnels that reminisced,
Days of dark and days of glow.
A mind so full of pain and thought,
Still had place for something light;
For old flames that once were lit,
For lamps that once burned deep and bright.
And then this mind began to think,
Whether there ever will be a time like old;
A time so dear, A warmth so near,
A warmth that never knew a cold.
The sweet breeze that always blew,
Brought back traces of Magic winds;
Winds of old that once did weave
A web so sweet - a sweet that blinds.
Something then, brought me back to the present,
And carried me swiftly into the future;
A future dim or greatly bright,
The future of thoughts and of dreams to nurture.
Thoughts of what yesterday told;
Thoughts of what tomorrow may hold,
Hopes of colors bright and bold,
Dreams of silver and dreams of gold.
Dreams of big and thoughts of small
Dreams of triumph and thoughts of pain
Dreams and dreams of the sublime touch
Dreams of untouched drops of rain.
Back to thoughts of yesterday,
Thoughts of day and thoughts of night;
Thoughts of care and those of love;
Thoughts of glides and glorious flight;
Then came thoughts of friends and foe,
Of Names lost, and souls still found;
Bits and pieces of faces of old;
Lost in the air or lost in ground.
Then came the halt, at station mine;
The journey of thoughts paused, with a drive.
My station still, is a long way away;
There's a journey to rememeber, And a journey to live.
A setting so perfect, calm and pure;
To reflect on journeys young and old;
Journeys that will be and journeys that were.
Thus began a journey forward,
Somewhere into the country vast,
And a journey backward,
Into the unforgotten past.
The tracks that passed by,
And the many trees;
They seemed to me reminders
Of old memories.
And of ancient distant things
That this mind still smelt,
Of a season of spring or summer old
Of feelings and words, of silence heartfelt.
Then I saw the valleys and the hills,
The hints of high and hints of low
And the tunnels that reminisced,
Days of dark and days of glow.
A mind so full of pain and thought,
Still had place for something light;
For old flames that once were lit,
For lamps that once burned deep and bright.
And then this mind began to think,
Whether there ever will be a time like old;
A time so dear, A warmth so near,
A warmth that never knew a cold.
The sweet breeze that always blew,
Brought back traces of Magic winds;
Winds of old that once did weave
A web so sweet - a sweet that blinds.
Something then, brought me back to the present,
And carried me swiftly into the future;
A future dim or greatly bright,
The future of thoughts and of dreams to nurture.
Thoughts of what yesterday told;
Thoughts of what tomorrow may hold,
Hopes of colors bright and bold,
Dreams of silver and dreams of gold.
Dreams of big and thoughts of small
Dreams of triumph and thoughts of pain
Dreams and dreams of the sublime touch
Dreams of untouched drops of rain.
Back to thoughts of yesterday,
Thoughts of day and thoughts of night;
Thoughts of care and those of love;
Thoughts of glides and glorious flight;
Then came thoughts of friends and foe,
Of Names lost, and souls still found;
Bits and pieces of faces of old;
Lost in the air or lost in ground.
Then came the halt, at station mine;
The journey of thoughts paused, with a drive.
My station still, is a long way away;
There's a journey to rememeber, And a journey to live.
