31/12: No Stars
31 December 2009
The mandatory review. Every December end. Every year. Rewind to January. The expectations? Not much really. Yes, there were some expectations as always. But, they were more about hope, than about probability. Anyway, they were pretty much dashed and thrown away in the first few weeks. It was the year that I feared could be the most awful year of my life - yes, worse than the pretty damaging previous year. Whether it indeed was that bad, is hard to judge. But yes, it has come down to this - to comparing years based on which was less dreadful. Awesome!
But more than the dreadful year that it was feared to be, it was an empty one. There are years which are melancholic, years which are plain bad, years which are painful. I had known them. I had experienced them. But a completely empty year? Who can fathom the ache that an empty year can bring, save the one who has experienced it?
Imagine a storm. A storm that has shattered every dream and burned every path. A storm that has almost seemed endless. And then, it finally stops. What it leaves is a void, a bareness, that will take something magical to fill. This year was not about a fierce storm; it was about the desert that it leaves behind. In the seemingly feelingless moments that characterized much of the past twelve months, pain was invisible. And that's the worst thing... pain that fades into emptiness. But what is inevitable, is inevitable.
A year which in any case started with my dreams and fantasies already down to earth and trampled upon. A year which took away whatever little of faith and belief that were left. And silently too. A year in which, I think, I finally gave up. Yet in my heart of hearts, I know that the wind, however light and small it maybe, refuses to die down. Emptiness has only hidden it, not destroyed it. That is the hope that I still carry.
Every year throws up various choices and paths. And 2009 for me was a year of tough decisions, perhaps tricky ones. Whether I made all the right choices is debatable and will only be known in the times to come. But, something tells me that I took the right paths. And with the peace of that intuition, I go on.
I begin to think, if 2009 was to be relived again, is there anything under my control that I would change? Not much. Maybe a bit here and there. Sure, I could have done more. Without a doubt, I could have been better. But still I wouldn't change much. Anything I would change that was not under my control? Definitely. Lots. But who or what will change them for me? Something Divine? Even just one thing?
And so, another tick against the years that go by. Or perhaps a cross. But life doesn't care whether it is a tick or a cross. It just goes on. Only, we are left with the unending agony of the memories of those years that never came even remotely close to getting a tick.
The verdict? Zero stars for 2009. I did not expect it to draw a blank, but then when was the last time life met my expectations. Hopefully what was emptied this year, will be filled in the next. Hopefully, this is the absolute bottom and there is no way further down. Or is there? Ah, I can't bear the thought of another empty year.
But suddenly a whiff of air that is blowing, towards the very end of the year, is seemingly bringing omens of sweeter things. Does that mean that the next year will finally usher in something good? Almost improbable, but who knows...
The mandatory review. Every December end. Every year. Rewind to January. The expectations? Not much really. Yes, there were some expectations as always. But, they were more about hope, than about probability. Anyway, they were pretty much dashed and thrown away in the first few weeks. It was the year that I feared could be the most awful year of my life - yes, worse than the pretty damaging previous year. Whether it indeed was that bad, is hard to judge. But yes, it has come down to this - to comparing years based on which was less dreadful. Awesome!
But more than the dreadful year that it was feared to be, it was an empty one. There are years which are melancholic, years which are plain bad, years which are painful. I had known them. I had experienced them. But a completely empty year? Who can fathom the ache that an empty year can bring, save the one who has experienced it?
Imagine a storm. A storm that has shattered every dream and burned every path. A storm that has almost seemed endless. And then, it finally stops. What it leaves is a void, a bareness, that will take something magical to fill. This year was not about a fierce storm; it was about the desert that it leaves behind. In the seemingly feelingless moments that characterized much of the past twelve months, pain was invisible. And that's the worst thing... pain that fades into emptiness. But what is inevitable, is inevitable.
A year which in any case started with my dreams and fantasies already down to earth and trampled upon. A year which took away whatever little of faith and belief that were left. And silently too. A year in which, I think, I finally gave up. Yet in my heart of hearts, I know that the wind, however light and small it maybe, refuses to die down. Emptiness has only hidden it, not destroyed it. That is the hope that I still carry.
Every year throws up various choices and paths. And 2009 for me was a year of tough decisions, perhaps tricky ones. Whether I made all the right choices is debatable and will only be known in the times to come. But, something tells me that I took the right paths. And with the peace of that intuition, I go on.
I begin to think, if 2009 was to be relived again, is there anything under my control that I would change? Not much. Maybe a bit here and there. Sure, I could have done more. Without a doubt, I could have been better. But still I wouldn't change much. Anything I would change that was not under my control? Definitely. Lots. But who or what will change them for me? Something Divine? Even just one thing?
And so, another tick against the years that go by. Or perhaps a cross. But life doesn't care whether it is a tick or a cross. It just goes on. Only, we are left with the unending agony of the memories of those years that never came even remotely close to getting a tick.
The verdict? Zero stars for 2009. I did not expect it to draw a blank, but then when was the last time life met my expectations. Hopefully what was emptied this year, will be filled in the next. Hopefully, this is the absolute bottom and there is no way further down. Or is there? Ah, I can't bear the thought of another empty year.
But suddenly a whiff of air that is blowing, towards the very end of the year, is seemingly bringing omens of sweeter things. Does that mean that the next year will finally usher in something good? Almost improbable, but who knows...
30/12: Old and New
December 31, 2008
An 'old' year gone by, lots of memories, most of them dreadful, maybe a few good (forced) ones, dreams galore, nothing accomplished, perhaps a few key (or locked) moments. And, a New Year to come. Bitter or better, time will tell. And so it continues, the cycle of old and new - and old, of despair and hope - and despair.
Time does fly. Yet, this year flew faster than time itself, whatever that means. Perhaps it was on a different plane, on some other axis. It has been the same thirty one million, six hundred twenty two thousand, four hundred - perhaps point something - seconds. (A little more than usual, courtesy February 29). Yet, that time now seems to tend to zero. This year has been one long fleeting moment of nothing.
Last year (2007), I thought, was the hardest year of my life. But, I hadn't dreamt, not even in my most vicious dreams, that this year would turn out the way it did. And so, I will have to repeat what I had said at the end of last year. This has truly been the hardest year of my life so far. Not only the hardest, but it has also been my worst. And I shudder to say this, for the next year has the potential yet to be far worse. Also, on the surface, it has perhaps been my weakest. Whether there lay something of real strength in it, I do not know yet. That will be clearer only in the years to come.
But, at a glance, it seems nothing came out of it. Adverse thoughts, unpropitious wavering. They did not get me anywhere - I knew they never would - and that's the worst part. The pages of my life torn to shreds and scattered all over, almost impossible to gather together again. And, just to make sure, each one of them crumbled into irreversible forms. What could come out of such a year?
Still, the lamp of hope burned brightly at many times. Yes, there were moments throughout the year when it flickered. There were moments when it almost went out. Moments when darkness swept in, almost completely. But somehow, something inside me never let the light go off completely. And then life brought circumstances that gave me hope. The lamp was rekindled. Only to be dashed and dwindled right away, the very next moment. Still, those positive moments of assurance kept me going.
The previous year was supposed to be a 'passing' phase. The dawn of this year was supposed to bring brighter thoughts. But life is full of shocks, sometimes (sometimes?) rude. And I hadn't accounted for this. I hadn't accounted for the fact that passing phases too can last long. Perhaps even longer than the meaning of 'passing' can take. And those hopes of a better life, disappeared into the wilderness. Yet, they came back, sometimes, only to wither away again; and some other times, stronger and truer. And I held on to those, like a dying person holds onto the last bits of a life saving rope.
Yet, when I look deeply, what strikes me is that this year has been magical. Yes, magical! In many, many ways. I couldn't explain many things that happened - things that need not have happened, save for relighting me. I still cannot. And so, in that sense, the year has been a fairytale of sorts. That is amazing in itself. How could an unyielding, most unfavoured year have been a fairytale? Perhaps some Divine Being - in all probability chuckling at me now - up there knows more about it.
And so, here I am, at the close of one more priceless year, in my twenties. For sure, we don't know how precious these years are. At least I don't seem to know. For how else can I explain myself throwing away hours, days and months of these precious years into nothing. And, if I don't learn my lesson even now, I guess I will deserve the unfulfilled life that stares at me.
It was a kind of year that I never wanted to experience; but one that we all inevitably have to, sometime. And, from that angle, I'm glad for it, for it's behind me now. But can years like this one ever be behind us? Every tiny and almost insignificant thing will lead me back to this year even many years from now. And with that thought, doubt creeps in. Doubt that pulls at my mind and tells me that I will never forget the bitterness of this year. And that's a hard life to live - to live in one bitter year forever.
Yet, hope never dies. Tomorrow is a new year. Tomorrow is a new life. A new fairytale. Perhaps.
An 'old' year gone by, lots of memories, most of them dreadful, maybe a few good (forced) ones, dreams galore, nothing accomplished, perhaps a few key (or locked) moments. And, a New Year to come. Bitter or better, time will tell. And so it continues, the cycle of old and new - and old, of despair and hope - and despair.
Time does fly. Yet, this year flew faster than time itself, whatever that means. Perhaps it was on a different plane, on some other axis. It has been the same thirty one million, six hundred twenty two thousand, four hundred - perhaps point something - seconds. (A little more than usual, courtesy February 29). Yet, that time now seems to tend to zero. This year has been one long fleeting moment of nothing.
Last year (2007), I thought, was the hardest year of my life. But, I hadn't dreamt, not even in my most vicious dreams, that this year would turn out the way it did. And so, I will have to repeat what I had said at the end of last year. This has truly been the hardest year of my life so far. Not only the hardest, but it has also been my worst. And I shudder to say this, for the next year has the potential yet to be far worse. Also, on the surface, it has perhaps been my weakest. Whether there lay something of real strength in it, I do not know yet. That will be clearer only in the years to come.
But, at a glance, it seems nothing came out of it. Adverse thoughts, unpropitious wavering. They did not get me anywhere - I knew they never would - and that's the worst part. The pages of my life torn to shreds and scattered all over, almost impossible to gather together again. And, just to make sure, each one of them crumbled into irreversible forms. What could come out of such a year?
Still, the lamp of hope burned brightly at many times. Yes, there were moments throughout the year when it flickered. There were moments when it almost went out. Moments when darkness swept in, almost completely. But somehow, something inside me never let the light go off completely. And then life brought circumstances that gave me hope. The lamp was rekindled. Only to be dashed and dwindled right away, the very next moment. Still, those positive moments of assurance kept me going.
The previous year was supposed to be a 'passing' phase. The dawn of this year was supposed to bring brighter thoughts. But life is full of shocks, sometimes (sometimes?) rude. And I hadn't accounted for this. I hadn't accounted for the fact that passing phases too can last long. Perhaps even longer than the meaning of 'passing' can take. And those hopes of a better life, disappeared into the wilderness. Yet, they came back, sometimes, only to wither away again; and some other times, stronger and truer. And I held on to those, like a dying person holds onto the last bits of a life saving rope.
Yet, when I look deeply, what strikes me is that this year has been magical. Yes, magical! In many, many ways. I couldn't explain many things that happened - things that need not have happened, save for relighting me. I still cannot. And so, in that sense, the year has been a fairytale of sorts. That is amazing in itself. How could an unyielding, most unfavoured year have been a fairytale? Perhaps some Divine Being - in all probability chuckling at me now - up there knows more about it.
And so, here I am, at the close of one more priceless year, in my twenties. For sure, we don't know how precious these years are. At least I don't seem to know. For how else can I explain myself throwing away hours, days and months of these precious years into nothing. And, if I don't learn my lesson even now, I guess I will deserve the unfulfilled life that stares at me.
It was a kind of year that I never wanted to experience; but one that we all inevitably have to, sometime. And, from that angle, I'm glad for it, for it's behind me now. But can years like this one ever be behind us? Every tiny and almost insignificant thing will lead me back to this year even many years from now. And with that thought, doubt creeps in. Doubt that pulls at my mind and tells me that I will never forget the bitterness of this year. And that's a hard life to live - to live in one bitter year forever.
Yet, hope never dies. Tomorrow is a new year. Tomorrow is a new life. A new fairytale. Perhaps.
Again, in a flash, another year has flown past. Filled with some great moments and some wistful ones, some highs and a lot of thrilling lows; this year has been constantly melancholic, seemingly long, most tiring, and still somewhat stirring. As I look back on an intriguing, thought-provoking, riveting and fascinating year gone by, my mind is filled with questions and my heart with a certain sense of relief. I can feel the bits and pieces of the year float around me as the curtains come down on what has, without a doubt, been the most interesting year of my life so far.
Therein lays the queerness of life. For, the most interesting year has perhaps also been the toughest. Even in the many silent and sad moments, that characterized much of the year, there was a weird joy, an unmistakable growth. Even though at times the year seemed completely dismal and dreary, there was compensation in tiny, special moments - the golden bits and silver pieces - that more than made up in depth, what the year lacked in length.
As I analyze the bits, I realize that the year was my first taste of the real life. It was a year of growing up, a year of monumental changes in me. Hopefully I have learned my lessons - lessons that will show their worth in the coming years. And after all, what else is life, but a series of lessons, a chain of changes, with every year, maybe every day, bringing something new. But this year had more new things, more lessons, more changes and more twists than I had ever fathomed, perhaps more than I could take. Maybe these are the bits and pieces a truly dramatic year is made of.
This wasn't a satisfying year. Far from it. It was a more frustrating, a far more testing year, than there has ever been. It took a lot out of me. Sometimes, you can pull your hair out, you can shout your heart out, but life just doesn't listen. And you begin to wonder whether there is an eye, a ear, or a heart anywhere. It was one of those years. I guess we all go through such times at some point in our lives. I guess this too does pass.
It was a year in which skepticism grew, a year in which pessimism took over me and negative thoughts draped me. Yes, it does sound a bit over the top. But, that is the truth. It was heavy, and it left me scraping and searching for some part of my mind and heart that was even remotely positive. It left me thirsty - thirsty for something lighter. It left me angry - angry at myself, that I couldn't rid myself of these uninvited guests.
On a lighter note, it was, if I can say so, a year in which I discovered a madness in me. A year in which I discovered a crazy me. It lent a dimension that gives a strange spark to life. It gave everything more depth. Maybe it was always in there. Maybe it just needed a trigger to come out. And, ironically it was the heavier notes that triggered it.
The past year is gone and its time to leave it behind and move on to a new year and perhaps new beginnings. But inspite of the hard times - which were in plenty - the year was so different, so memorable, that I will perhaps take it with me wherever I go in life. There are perhaps many more interesting years ahead, but 2007 will always hold a special place in my heart, for reasons some of which are clear and some of which are best left untold.
As the sun sets on the year, I wonder about the bits of this year that slowly tore my life into pieces. Now, all I can do is collect them and look ahead. Hopefully, the coming year will answer some of the questions that the past year raised. Hopefully, positive thoughts will make a comeback and the bitterness will evaporate. The feeling of helplessness will hopefully disappear and I can bring back the control that I lost this year. Perhaps a magic wand is the only thing that will do it. But somewhere deep inside, the faith that an invisible hand will weave some magic, still resides. The faith that the bits and pieces will magically fall into place, still lives.
Whatever it brought, the past year was charming in its own deep way. And now, looking forward to a new sunrise, to an equally enthralling, hopefully somewhat easier, perhaps bizzare and an even more fascinating new year of joy, of inevitable melancholy and limitless celebration. Perhaps the new year will bring more satisfaction. Perhaps the new year will have those moments that the heart yearns for. Perhaps the new year will be something more sweeter. Perhaps.
And finally, hope the new year brings in more ecstasy, more love to every life there is. May the new year ring the bells of delight, of elation, and may it end every agony. May it dispel all darkness and light up every soul.
With lots of love and cheers to one and all. Happy New Year, 2008.
Therein lays the queerness of life. For, the most interesting year has perhaps also been the toughest. Even in the many silent and sad moments, that characterized much of the year, there was a weird joy, an unmistakable growth. Even though at times the year seemed completely dismal and dreary, there was compensation in tiny, special moments - the golden bits and silver pieces - that more than made up in depth, what the year lacked in length.
As I analyze the bits, I realize that the year was my first taste of the real life. It was a year of growing up, a year of monumental changes in me. Hopefully I have learned my lessons - lessons that will show their worth in the coming years. And after all, what else is life, but a series of lessons, a chain of changes, with every year, maybe every day, bringing something new. But this year had more new things, more lessons, more changes and more twists than I had ever fathomed, perhaps more than I could take. Maybe these are the bits and pieces a truly dramatic year is made of.
This wasn't a satisfying year. Far from it. It was a more frustrating, a far more testing year, than there has ever been. It took a lot out of me. Sometimes, you can pull your hair out, you can shout your heart out, but life just doesn't listen. And you begin to wonder whether there is an eye, a ear, or a heart anywhere. It was one of those years. I guess we all go through such times at some point in our lives. I guess this too does pass.
It was a year in which skepticism grew, a year in which pessimism took over me and negative thoughts draped me. Yes, it does sound a bit over the top. But, that is the truth. It was heavy, and it left me scraping and searching for some part of my mind and heart that was even remotely positive. It left me thirsty - thirsty for something lighter. It left me angry - angry at myself, that I couldn't rid myself of these uninvited guests.
On a lighter note, it was, if I can say so, a year in which I discovered a madness in me. A year in which I discovered a crazy me. It lent a dimension that gives a strange spark to life. It gave everything more depth. Maybe it was always in there. Maybe it just needed a trigger to come out. And, ironically it was the heavier notes that triggered it.
The past year is gone and its time to leave it behind and move on to a new year and perhaps new beginnings. But inspite of the hard times - which were in plenty - the year was so different, so memorable, that I will perhaps take it with me wherever I go in life. There are perhaps many more interesting years ahead, but 2007 will always hold a special place in my heart, for reasons some of which are clear and some of which are best left untold.
As the sun sets on the year, I wonder about the bits of this year that slowly tore my life into pieces. Now, all I can do is collect them and look ahead. Hopefully, the coming year will answer some of the questions that the past year raised. Hopefully, positive thoughts will make a comeback and the bitterness will evaporate. The feeling of helplessness will hopefully disappear and I can bring back the control that I lost this year. Perhaps a magic wand is the only thing that will do it. But somewhere deep inside, the faith that an invisible hand will weave some magic, still resides. The faith that the bits and pieces will magically fall into place, still lives.
Whatever it brought, the past year was charming in its own deep way. And now, looking forward to a new sunrise, to an equally enthralling, hopefully somewhat easier, perhaps bizzare and an even more fascinating new year of joy, of inevitable melancholy and limitless celebration. Perhaps the new year will bring more satisfaction. Perhaps the new year will have those moments that the heart yearns for. Perhaps the new year will be something more sweeter. Perhaps.
And finally, hope the new year brings in more ecstasy, more love to every life there is. May the new year ring the bells of delight, of elation, and may it end every agony. May it dispel all darkness and light up every soul.
With lots of love and cheers to one and all. Happy New Year, 2008.
03/01: New Year
Well, another new year is here. It seems like only yesterday we were ushering in 2006, and now it is gone! Time truly flies. And thats why, we must pause to think. To think about where we are headed in life. To think about where we want to go. Many roads will go out from the point where we stand, and we have the freedom to choose the path we wish to traverse. If we keep moving, without pausing to think, then someday, we will have travelled too far ahead - on the wrong path.
It is best to forget the past year and look ahead to this bright new year. Sure, we will have memories of the past year, which we cannot forget. But, they should have a positive effect on the future and should not be something of regret.
Sure, the past year would have had disappointments,
It would have brought failures,
But, the New Year is one more chance to build new dreams,
One more chance to succeed,
One more chance to spread joy and happiness,
And one more chance to enjoy life!
Let us start this New Year, with a renewed vigour, hope and a promise to enjoy life!
Hope this New Year brings with it peace, joy, love and happiness to all!
It is best to forget the past year and look ahead to this bright new year. Sure, we will have memories of the past year, which we cannot forget. But, they should have a positive effect on the future and should not be something of regret.
Sure, the past year would have had disappointments,
It would have brought failures,
But, the New Year is one more chance to build new dreams,
One more chance to succeed,
One more chance to spread joy and happiness,
And one more chance to enjoy life!
Let us start this New Year, with a renewed vigour, hope and a promise to enjoy life!
Hope this New Year brings with it peace, joy, love and happiness to all!
