Misty Reflections

A dark, lazy Sunday. A reflection of my mood, perhaps even a reflection of my life. I sat behind the steering wheel. And, seat belt in place and my thoughts and imagination flying somewhere above, I took off for a long drive. I made my way out of the city into the deserted lanes of the country side. Almost nothing in front and nothing behind. A lonely road, a lonely drive. It wouldn't serve to get rid of my emptiness, I knew. It could hardly swallow my desperate melancholy. But it was all I could think of.

As I picked up speed, fragments of my hair fluttered against the strong wind that blew. Trees that lined the road zipped by as I wondered whether I could leave some of my agony and frustration behind. Perhaps some of them, however transient, did fly away. They would come back to settle on my shoulders, I knew. But at least I had a fleeting freedom from them. And as the unending road unfolded before me, I let myself rest easy.

I thought of flight, of dreams, and of fantasies and music. I thought of the exhilaration, the stupendous joys and the highs that life can bring. I switched on the radio as it played an old favourite hindi song:

Zindagi Ke Safar Mein
Guzar Jaate Hain Jo Makaam
Woh Phir Nahin Aate,
Woh Phir Nahin Aate...

I lost myself in the sweet melancholy of that melody with a glance - so aptly - towards the mirror. And with the poetry and notes of that song, the view of what was behind me was somewhat musical, somewhat romantic.

It wasn't long, before myriad considerations clouded my mind. If only a long drive could drive away forlorn thoughts of our heart! And from somewhere a hidden tear rolled down my face onto my lips. Where the salty little thing came from is perhaps a long story. But it soon evaporated into the wind, maybe without a trace. Yet, whether the roots of that tear will ever be slain, who is to tell.

The future lay somewhere in the long road ahead. Whether it would bring something exciting, who could fathom. Whether there lay something that I've always dreamt of, waiting for me, I could only wonder. All I could do was to drive on with a little faith and some tiny bits of hope.

As I drove on, my mind wondered about the turns on either side that passed me by. But they were gone in a flash. And many a time, looking back in the mirror, I wondered how different life would have been if I had taken any one of them. In that, I missed a few more. And I wondered what it was that just made us keep going straight on the path we are, without a pause or a turn. Yes, I could have stopped and turned around, but we rarely have that choice in life. In reality, there's no turning back.

Then I came upon a dead end where I had to make a choice. And it struck me that a dead end (in life) was so useful, for you had to turn either way. At least you slow down. At least you take some time, you make some choice. And, I don't know if we can do anything more in life than making what we think are right, uninfluenced choices - choices that are our own.

Thoughts of turns and dead ends left behind, I got back to enjoying the drive. I came upon a stretch that was almost perfectly straight and really long and my leg stepped harder on the accelerator as we (the car and me) raced along and the speed meter moved towards the right (or wrong side) of 100. It was thrilling, perhaps almost fatal. Such are thrills in life, but what is life without them.

And I drove on. Miles ahead of me, miles behind me, unrelenting thoughts in my head, the music still playing. And, I drove on.

31 December 2009

The mandatory review. Every December end. Every year. Rewind to January. The expectations? Not much really. Yes, there were some expectations as always. But, they were more about hope, than about probability. Anyway, they were pretty much dashed and thrown away in the first few weeks. It was the year that I feared could be the most awful year of my life - yes, worse than the pretty damaging previous year. Whether it indeed was that bad, is hard to judge. But yes, it has come down to this - to comparing years based on which was less dreadful. Awesome!

But more than the dreadful year that it was feared to be, it was an empty one. There are years which are melancholic, years which are plain bad, years which are painful. I had known them. I had experienced them. But a completely empty year? Who can fathom the ache that an empty year can bring, save the one who has experienced it?

Imagine a storm. A storm that has shattered every dream and burned every path. A storm that has almost seemed endless. And then, it finally stops. What it leaves is a void, a bareness, that will take something magical to fill. This year was not about a fierce storm; it was about the desert that it leaves behind. In the seemingly feelingless moments that characterized much of the past twelve months, pain was invisible. And that's the worst thing... pain that fades into emptiness. But what is inevitable, is inevitable.

A year which in any case started with my dreams and fantasies already down to earth and trampled upon. A year which took away whatever little of faith and belief that were left. And silently too. A year in which, I think, I finally gave up. Yet in my heart of hearts, I know that the wind, however light and small it maybe, refuses to die down. Emptiness has only hidden it, not destroyed it. That is the hope that I still carry.

Every year throws up various choices and paths. And 2009 for me was a year of tough decisions, perhaps tricky ones. Whether I made all the right choices is debatable and will only be known in the times to come. But, something tells me that I took the right paths. And with the peace of that intuition, I go on.

I begin to think, if 2009 was to be relived again, is there anything under my control that I would change? Not much. Maybe a bit here and there. Sure, I could have done more. Without a doubt, I could have been better. But still I wouldn't change much. Anything I would change that was not under my control? Definitely. Lots. But who or what will change them for me? Something Divine? Even just one thing?

And so, another tick against the years that go by. Or perhaps a cross. But life doesn't care whether it is a tick or a cross. It just goes on. Only, we are left with the unending agony of the memories of those years that never came even remotely close to getting a tick.

The verdict? Zero stars for 2009. I did not expect it to draw a blank, but then when was the last time life met my expectations. Hopefully what was emptied this year, will be filled in the next. Hopefully, this is the absolute bottom and there is no way further down. Or is there? Ah, I can't bear the thought of another empty year.

But suddenly a whiff of air that is blowing, towards the very end of the year, is seemingly bringing omens of sweeter things. Does that mean that the next year will finally usher in something good? Almost improbable, but who knows...

It's been a long time since I blogged. Sometimes, negative thoughts overwhelm you and you feel you have nothing to say. It required something really positive, perhaps even inspiring to put pen to paper.

Yes, cricket is just a game. You win sometimes and lose some other times. But there are parallels between life and sport, and the learning that one can take out of it is immense. The inspiration that sport can bring is truly amazing.

The story of IPL 2009 was one of immaculate organization, fascinating contests, some incredible performances and electrifying finishes. What more can one ask for? Yet, it was much much more than that. That it went down to the the last over, almost the last ball of the final to decide the winner, is testimony to the resounding success that it has been.

It was a story of how persistence and passion wins at the end of the day. It was also the story of how underdogs rise, how crucial moments are seized and how it requires just one moment of brilliance or just plain luck to turn it all around. Perhaps such is life. Just lie waiting and your time will come. But, seize the moment.

It was also about leadership - about inspiring leadership. About how a brilliant leader can turn the sagging fortunes of a team. One has to only look at the teams that contested the final to confirm that.

Perhaps it was almost unthinkable that the bottom two teams from last year should finish on top. But its surprising how many times life leaves us spellbound by making the unthinkable happen. Ah...there's something about the underdogs scripting a remarkable win that deeply warms the heart. And to top it all, the romantic thought of perfect reversals, of close, heart-stopping finishes, of great triumphs, and of lingering moments that took the heart away. My nails are no longer there and the words simply dry up.

As the Deccan Chargers, celebrated their moment of success, as the firecrackers lit up the air, it was time for everyone, irrespective of whom they supported, to rejoice, to drink to the success of cricket and sport. Perhaps cricket can become a truly global sport.

And if one man truly deserves the victory, it has to be Adam Gilchrist. He has been a great player and an true legend, not just because of this exploits on the cricket field, but also because of his wonderful attitude that stands out like a shining star amongst the rubbish that the other Australian cricketers spit out.

Of course, I would perhaps have been happier if the final had gone the other way. It was almost heart breaking that Royal Challengers Bangalore lost it from a winning position. It was almost a 'Royal Victory'. But, it stopped just short of that. I'm sure it will take sometime for them to overcome the disappointment. But, disappointments are part of sport, and indeed, a part of life. And the lessons learned will always stand them in good stead in the years to come. There's always another time, another chance.

So, a thrilling, most amazing, and wonderful tournament comes to an end. It leaves us with the satisfaction of having seen good cricket, having witnessed some terrific spectacles and of having felt the pulse of the stunning extravaganza. And, it has left us thirsting for more.

More importantly it leaves us with a hope - a hope to everyone that life does turn. This is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

December 31, 2008

An 'old' year gone by, lots of memories, most of them dreadful, maybe a few good (forced) ones, dreams galore, nothing accomplished, perhaps a few key (or locked) moments. And, a New Year to come. Bitter or better, time will tell. And so it continues, the cycle of old and new - and old, of despair and hope - and despair.

Time does fly. Yet, this year flew faster than time itself, whatever that means. Perhaps it was on a different plane, on some other axis. It has been the same thirty one million, six hundred twenty two thousand, four hundred - perhaps point something - seconds. (A little more than usual, courtesy February 29). Yet, that time now seems to tend to zero. This year has been one long fleeting moment of nothing.

Last year (2007), I thought, was the hardest year of my life. But, I hadn't dreamt, not even in my most vicious dreams, that this year would turn out the way it did. And so, I will have to repeat what I had said at the end of last year. This has truly been the hardest year of my life so far. Not only the hardest, but it has also been my worst. And I shudder to say this, for the next year has the potential yet to be far worse. Also, on the surface, it has perhaps been my weakest. Whether there lay something of real strength in it, I do not know yet. That will be clearer only in the years to come.

But, at a glance, it seems nothing came out of it. Adverse thoughts, unpropitious wavering. They did not get me anywhere - I knew they never would - and that's the worst part. The pages of my life torn to shreds and scattered all over, almost impossible to gather together again. And, just to make sure, each one of them crumbled into irreversible forms. What could come out of such a year?

Still, the lamp of hope burned brightly at many times. Yes, there were moments throughout the year when it flickered. There were moments when it almost went out. Moments when darkness swept in, almost completely. But somehow, something inside me never let the light go off completely. And then life brought circumstances that gave me hope. The lamp was rekindled. Only to be dashed and dwindled right away, the very next moment. Still, those positive moments of assurance kept me going.

The previous year was supposed to be a 'passing' phase. The dawn of this year was supposed to bring brighter thoughts. But life is full of shocks, sometimes (sometimes?) rude. And I hadn't accounted for this. I hadn't accounted for the fact that passing phases too can last long. Perhaps even longer than the meaning of 'passing' can take. And those hopes of a better life, disappeared into the wilderness. Yet, they came back, sometimes, only to wither away again; and some other times, stronger and truer. And I held on to those, like a dying person holds onto the last bits of a life saving rope.

Yet, when I look deeply, what strikes me is that this year has been magical. Yes, magical! In many, many ways. I couldn't explain many things that happened - things that need not have happened, save for relighting me. I still cannot. And so, in that sense, the year has been a fairytale of sorts. That is amazing in itself. How could an unyielding, most unfavoured year have been a fairytale? Perhaps some Divine Being - in all probability chuckling at me now - up there knows more about it.

And so, here I am, at the close of one more priceless year, in my twenties. For sure, we don't know how precious these years are. At least I don't seem to know. For how else can I explain myself throwing away hours, days and months of these precious years into nothing. And, if I don't learn my lesson even now, I guess I will deserve the unfulfilled life that stares at me.

It was a kind of year that I never wanted to experience; but one that we all inevitably have to, sometime. And, from that angle, I'm glad for it, for it's behind me now. But can years like this one ever be behind us? Every tiny and almost insignificant thing will lead me back to this year even many years from now. And with that thought, doubt creeps in. Doubt that pulls at my mind and tells me that I will never forget the bitterness of this year. And that's a hard life to live - to live in one bitter year forever.

Yet, hope never dies. Tomorrow is a new year. Tomorrow is a new life. A new fairytale. Perhaps.

The gleaming sun shone down on my face. There were trees around, but some distance away, and I sat in the open allowing the sun to burn me down. It was a calm afternoon, yet a very restless one. For life is as calm or as restless as we are inside. My heart was filled with thoughts of the ways of my life. And, I asked myself several questions that day. Perhaps those were important questions to every soul in this world. And those questions just buzzed past me, again and again.

Have you ever seen the endless possibilities of life? Have you even glanced at paths untrodden? Have you ever looked at life that way - at the way it is perhaps supposed to be looked at? Have you ever chased your dreams? Have you ever thought beyond the routine? Beyond the surface? Have you seen depth?

Have you ever tried love over hate? Has you heart ever tried returning a frown with a smile - a smile so endearing, so magical, that melts an enemy into a friend? Have you ever turned a potential rift into a glorious partnership? Have you even wanted to? Have you even given an other a chance to?

Perchance, sometime, you thought of making a difference to someone. Perhaps, a thought about turning a life. A thought that dreamt of lighting a soul that was in the dark. Have you? Have you found solace in that? Have you ever found anything or anyone that you would give your life for? Have you ever even thought about the purpose of your life? Have you ever wanted enlightenment? Have you ever tried to paint your soul with your true colours?

Have you ever pursued the right? Have you ever had the courage to raise a voice? Have you ever let go of safety and gone the distance to fight for something? Have you ever seemingly run out of strength, and yet found it within your deep self? Have you ever tried patience? Persistence? Have you ever believed? Have you tried lasting faith over doubt? Have you ever failed and used the experience to turn it into success? Have you ever gone to those magical heights from the deepest valleys? Have you ever thought you would? Have you even thought that you could? Have you tried to fulfill even half of your potential? Have you even wanted to?

Have you woken up one day and decided to only smile that day? Have you ever tried to awaken the extreme positive side of your thinking? Have you tried to stamp out the bursts of negativity that always come along? Has there been even one single day of your life in which you had no negative thoughts?

Have you ever thought generously? Have you ever just given something, or perhaps everything just because you felt like, even to the most undeserving person? Have you ever given all you had or will ever have? Have you ever given way for another vehicle to pass you even in the most busy traffic times? Have you even waited for someone to cross the road before you zoom past them? Have you ever smiled at someone who hit your car and perhaps even damaged it badly? Have you ever let someone behind you in a queue to be served first? Have you perhaps paid for some strangers' dinner in a restaurant - people you did not even know? Have you given anyone a pleasant surprise that is unforgettable?

Have you ever forgiven someone, for a 'sin' that never deserved forgiveness? With your heart? Have you ever tried to replace that unending feeling of vengeance with a forever feeling of peace. Have you even forgiven yourself? Have you ever sought redemption? Have you ever thought that joy is the way of life? That every single living being deserves it? Have you thought that you too deserved happiness, and that the world wants you to experience it?

Have you ever asked someone for help? Have you even given someone a chance to lend you a hand? Perhaps there is someone who is ever willing to do that? Have you looked at someone and felt that way? Have you given them a chance to that right? Have you given the world itself the chance to help you? Have you ever tried to free someone, even yourself, from the self imposed chains? Have you ever glanced at that free, charming, mystical, jubilant and gratifying life that can be yours?

As I looked around, I noticed three things. The sun that shone down on me, the shade of the trees slightly far away, yet reachable, and the ways of my life. I asked myself: have I tried that life?

Have you ever tried living 'that' way? Have you ever tried 'that' life?

The morning that brings with it new dreams. The evening that gives us hope that we are almost there. The night that breaks our hearts. The new morning that brings newer dreams.

Dreams of flying away into unknown skies. Dreams of landing in never-been-before places. Dreams of attaining glory that has always been just out of reach. Dreams of reaching stars whose light has never yet reached us. Dreams of touching places inside us, that have never been touched.

Dreams. Dreams that fly. And the life that forever shoots them down. The life that strikes us at the 'right' times with reality that bites. Winds that almost always blow in wrong directions. People who somehow stop us in our tracks. Circumstances which leave us helpless.

And still, dreams of an angel who will come swooping down from heaven. Dreams of angels on earth. Dreams of people being equal to our expectations. Dreams of our highest aspirations still being met. Dreams of our deepest feelings reaching their destination. Dreams of being able to do something that we have never done. Dreams of perhaps doing something bizarre. Dreams of achieving the impossible. Dreams that come so close to being fulfilled. Dreams that are almost within grasp.

And yet again, the enemy who still stands tall. The enemy who always has newer tricks. The enemy who rolls out unending barricades against every zooming dream. The enemy that is life. And the question that seemingly yet remains unanswered: can dreams stand the test of life?

Can dreams withstand the life that pulls us down to our knees and brings us to tears? Can hopes and aspirations of glorious heights still live in this life? Or can they still spring back from the dead? Or will the ever subduing life persuade us to abandon our dreams?

Therein lies the weirdness of life. Why do we still dream? Why do we still take paths in search of gold - paths which almost always lead us through stones - only to find emptiness? Life does try its best. It tries its best to make us pause and give in.

Yet, dreams live on. Dreams of fighting for what is always right. Dreams of romantic triumphs. Perhaps dreams of comebacks that defy life itself. Thoughts of that feeling so great, that accompanies a fulfilled dream. Dreams of making a fairy tale out of ordinary life. Dreams that form a large part of the trauma that is life.

Dreams that almost always fall by the wayside. Dreams that are forever lost in the unrelenting times and spaces of everyday life. But what is life without them? What is life without those dreams? What is life without the still present fight? What is life without the unending hope that fuels those dreams? What is life without the heart to chase the unknown?

And so, we dream on. Some of our dreams don't come true. Perhaps most of them don't. Yet, we dream on. Yet, we dream on.

The sound of fire crackers all around. The light of lamps in all homes. Smiles on faces. Sweets, color and lots more.

Diwali. The Fesitval of Lights. The triumph of good over evil. Diwali, a great festival, a time for celebration, a time of togetherness with family, with friends. For most of us, a time for holidays. A time for hope.

What about the other side? Diwali. A time which underlines the deep hypocrisy of Indian society. Diwali. 'Outward' shows of happiness, of lights. What does it mean to celebrate the triumph of good over evil once a year, when evil wins all throughout. What does it mean when we mostly tend towards backwardness and darkness. What does it mean?

Bright lights and sounds for a short time, only for darkness and silence to take over again. What does it mean? What does a lamp that burns brightly signify? What does a fire cracker that lights up the atmosphere and brings a smile signify? What does all this mean, when everything eventually melts away into darkness and is merely a memory.

What does it mean for Lord Ram to burn the effigy of Ravan? What does it mean when the Ravan inside all of us is stronger and will eventually prevail? How hypocritical can we be? How much more openly can we celebrate it? Oh man, The Lord will be so happy with all of us!

And, let's not highlight one win for good here and there. Those are mere aberrations. And we all know it. Aberrations that makes us believe that all is well. But as they say, the truth is always something else.

Perhaps Diwali is a time for forgetting sorrows and darkness. Perhaps Diwali is the time to leave behind the troubles. But being oblivious for a day, for a week, doesn't obliterate anything forever. Diwali is the time to wake up. To wake up to the true light - light that forever seems to evade us. It is a time to ponder. We need the light to see the darkness. What better time than Diwali to do that?

Let this Diwali not be a time of mere hope. Let it not be a time to merely distribute sweets. Let it be a time that begins sweeter thoughts. Let it not be a time for merely lighting lamps outside our homes. Let it be the time to light the lamp inside our hearts.

An eternal optimist, I do hope we will have a Real Diwali someday. I hope I live to see that day. Until then, for whatever it is worth: Happy Diwali; whatever that means to you all. Frankly, today, it means little to me. Zilch.

Diwali. Festival of Lights. Life of Darkness.

Come ye Death,
Come soon and take me;
To somewhere far away.

Come fast ye Death,
Come soon to end
This affliction and ache
Amicably, come now.

The wicked arrows of life
Have stung the past and present;
But come ye Death;
Come and withhold the sting
Of the future.

Come and slay, quickly,
The swords of dolor,
With one master stroke
From Thy great sword.

Ti's heavy this burden,
This weight of existence;
Oh come ye Death,
The wait has been long.

The nights that remain,
Days that never come,
And yet this hope that lives;
Come ye Death;
Come, bring eternal darkness
And forever let it be.

Oh how I pray,
For Death to come,
To end this plight,
And to take flight
To the skies and beyond.

I open my hands
To the Heavens above,
And pray once more:
Oh come, ye Death,
Come this day.

Be swift, oh Death,
Come right away,
Come and drive
The last nail.

The road ahead -
Just thorns and stone;
The wind blowing,
In directions unknown.

No rose, no gold,
No joy the eyes can see;
Nothing, far into the future,
Nothing in the forlorn past.

Desolate fields, empty hearts
No shade from the tiring heat;
Sole soul in the desert,
Deserted by life itself.

Ruined; the heart asks,
For a small rainbow
That it knows,
May never be born.

The faint smell - that yet haunts -
Of a spring long forgotten;
Old traces of sunshine, and
Of a flower that once grew.

Was there ever a summer?
Even, long, long ago?
In a previous birth?
Perhaps.

Miles and miles of barren land,
And vast spaces of solitude;
Everything seemingly insane,
And still, the unending rain.

And yet, the heart asks,
Though its clear
No green may ever be found;
For seeds to grow.

The smile in the mirror,
Now a far away memory;
Now only emptiness
And a tear.

The search for something,
Perhaps the heart knows not what;
Yet, even if it knew,
What life would come of it?

Life is cruel, She does make
Bitter people, of us all;
And yet she is generous
In her gifts of darkness.

The question then arises,
And with no answer forthcoming
The heart still asks -
Will there ever be light anew?

The soul that wants to fly
To faraway unknown lands,
The heart that yearns to soar
Like the kite, into the endless sky.

As the beautiful little thing
Fast disappears beyond the horizon,
Where dreams and aspirations lie;
Enchanting and captivating feelings
Take over the somewhat heavy,
Somewhat enamored heart.

The string that strongly holds
The poor little thing that struggles,
To break free of unwanted bonds,
And from the ever seizing strangles.
Knowing fully well that without
The strand, it would float downwards,
All It asks is a free hand that
Allows It to reach golden heights.

Bright imaginations color the mind
As It flutters with the wind,
Trying to find a mystic place,
Where desires and reality meet.

It meanders away to glory,
To perchance meet candy times;
To rise unhindered, to chart
Its own magical path;
'Let me fly, Let me loose'
It seems to say with every pull.

Then It realizes, bitterly
That the unrelenting hand
Will never let free;
That it's better to pull away,
And perhaps risk a glorious fall
In place of the restraining chains;
To live a vision, to chance a dream,
And even in storm, To meet victory in loss.

The wind is favourable, Time is ripe;
It's better done now;
For winds do their direction change,
Without warning and without a trace.

And then there will be no escape,
From the torture of the unwilling hand.
So It cuts off, with a moment of thought,
It tries to sail into the distant heavens;
Though lonely battles are a hard win,
It fights till every nerve is thin.

It again tries, rises with charm and pride,
And makes It's way a little further
Eyeing long longed peaks and the crown;
Then, as sure, as death is certain,
It falls somewhere in remote terrains.
If only the hand had let It free,
What glory could have been,
What pinnacle It could have seen!